Do I really trust Him?

Here's the thing...

I grew up in a world knowing that we didn't have much money. Not much at all. My mom was a single mom and worked several jobs while putting herself through school. She is probably the hardest worker I know... She was constantly trying to make sure that my brother and I weren't fully aware of the circumstances.
I can specifically remember one time sitting outside of a movie theater with my mom and my brother because my mom said she would take us to see a movie. While we were there, she pulled out her checkbook and was making sure that we had enough money to go see the movie. We went home that night without the pleasure of a movie from the theater.
This is not some moment of a spoiled kid not getting what they wanted by not being able to see a movie. I can very vividly remember an extreme heaviness over my chest in my heart. I hated to see my mom struggle. I knew she wanted to take us to the movie and felt horrible that we couldn't go.
To this very day, that is the one thing that will cause me to get extremely emotional. My mom did everything in her power to make sure that we didn't know how tight things really were. We knew. I can't talk about my childhood in regards to my mom without getting very heavy hearted about the whole situation. It's as if it just all happened yesterday. It's still so fresh in my heart.
When I was eleven, my mom took me to a local VFW with her. She used to waitress on Friday nights as a side income. She took me with her one night because they needed a bus girl. I've worked ever since. From that time on, I paid for everything that I wanted. I'm so glad that it's worked out this way. It's helped me to understand work ethic and the difference between needs and wants.
There were things that were taken care of for me... When I started to drive, my mom was generous enough to give me an 80 something Cougar. It was perfect for what I needed. When I was sure I was supposed to go to Master's Commission, God opened the doors for a new car and my tuition to be paid. To this day, I'm not sure of how it all came together.
For the last five years, I've worked at a bank. Within two years, I was promoted three times and I became an Assistant Manager making really good money. It included great bonuses and really good insurance, tuition reimbursement for school as well as great opportunity for growth. I was moving up quickly and was loving every minute of it... or so I thought.

What I loved, really, was the ability to provide for our family. Ryan was able to work somewhat part time and do an internship at Lakeview church. We have never struggled financially and that's just the way I always planned it. We are very budget conscience, but have always been able to do exactly what we've wanted - we would just plan for it and make it happen. ... exactly the way I had always planned it.

Well here we are. We are in an incredible church where God's hand is so evident there is no question that He is moving... We both felt very strongly at the end of July, 2010 that we were being "asked" by God to step down from our positions at our jobs so that Ryan could work full time at our church. The first thing that I did was remind God of our bills and what I heard Him speak so clearly were the words "Trust me". It was as plain as day. Really. There was no doubt in my mind that this was the next step.

What we are able to make at the church and my job at Starbucks is enough. You know. Enough. Not too much and not too little. Enough. I am struggling with that. I've always been used to having more than enough, and it was usually at the expense of family time and the call that God had on our lives.

Since I was eleven years old, I have been able to basically do whatever I've wanted because my mom taught me how to work hard. Now I'm learning a lesson of contentment and obedience. This is what God has asked us to do for a season.

I'm writing this out right now because I'm convinced that if I don't, I will have a panic attack. Over beef stew.

I hate that we can't have whatever we want right now. I hate that we're so confined. I hate that I feel like this is going to ruin Adeline and make her feel the one thing I swore my children would never feel - poor.

Please know, that I know who my God is. Really. Oh my word --- He has provided time and time and time and time again. I literally would not know how to speak of all of the times that He has taken care of things in my life.

But really. Beef Stew? I am human and the area of provision and finance is the one area that I feel like I can absolutely not hand over to God. I have always felt fine about the whole situation because I have always known how to work hard.

I am humbled and even embarrassed that I am feeling these things. Has His past goodness not shown me enough about His character? Perhaps He's trying to teach me that it's never been my job to be the provider... that's just what happened.

It makes me angry and frustrated that my dad did nothing to help the situation when we were kids. Surely I don't use this as a reflection that God would bail on me... do I?

We are fine. Really. We're going to get through this and realize we could never be where we are if we wouldn't have gone through this. Mostly, me. Ryan has no problem trusting God in this area. Maybe it's because of who his dad is... or maybe because I pay the bills... or maybe it's because He understands the principles of God.

I'm going to work through my humanity. I am going to learn to depend (DEPEND - I just realized that's what I DO NOT know how to do. I have no concept of dependency...) on God and on Ryan. They will not fail me. They won't leave me to fend on my own. They're better than that.

I'm allowing myself to be this vulnerable because I'm convinced no one really reads this... and I'm ok with that.

learning to trust (and depend) on God,
- SV

The Journey...

I turned 26 on September 1st. It was a good day for me - full of facebook birthday wishes and happy birthday songs being left on voicemail.

The best part of the day for me was probably when I decided to take a journey. I decided that I wanted to embark on a journey of reading the bible chronologically in one year. I don't know that I've ever read the entire bible. I know there's so much that I have yet to discover.

I am going to try to blog about it as much as possible. Partly because I want to remember the things that stand out to me and partly because I want to be held accountable.

I have invited someone to take the journey with me so that I have someone to answer to. I really want to do this.

I will write a summary of what I read soon.

Thanks for taking this journey with me.

New Season

We've entered a new season of our life and I must admit... it's probably my favorite so far.
Adeline started pre-school a couple of weeks ago and absolutely loves it. We pray for her teachers and all of her friends every night before bed. She's learning a lot and it's helping her get into a routine. Rhonda McConnaha runs the school with her good friend and long time business partner Kathy Urban. Miss Rhonda and Miss Kathy are amazing teachers!! Adeline has a new best friend at school - her name is Lilly. Adeline shows signs that she holds the gift of "helps" and shows a lot of empathy towards the other kids. She also shows that she is a little bossy and likes things done a certain way. (We knew both of these things before pre-school, but it's really fun to watch them develop even more.)
The other day when I took her, we started to walk in the door for the morning and SHE put her hand on the door (before I could get it open) and said "WAIT! WE DIDN'T PRAY!" I only knew what she was talking about because a few days earlier, Ryan and I were dropping her off together. Right after he got her out of the car, he hugged her and prayed over her and her day. It was amazing to me that she already took this very seriously.
She has memorized Hebrews 11:1 and Hebrews 4:12. It is amazing (and quite adorable) to hear a three year old quote scripture.

I officially started my new job at Starbucks today. Ryan's official last day is next week sometime. We are believing more and more every day that this was the right move for our family and are getting more and more excited to see what unfolds. We believe there are going to be opportunities for God to receive major amounts of glory for the things that He is doing and the things that He is going to do.
As far as the family as a whole, it feels as though we are each really starting to take our places. We are all really starting to understand the concept of being a family who is on the same team. Ryan and I laugh more now than we ever have and are more in love than we have ever been. Adeline is a blast to be around. She is vibrant and full of life. She has SO much personality - it is absolutely unreal. She really is three going on thirteen.
I am more excited than I could begin to express about the season that our family is in. We love where we are in life, we love our church, we adore our friends and the people who have been placed to walk this life with us.

I can honestly say that I never knew family life could be this liberating. We are discovering something new about each other every single day. We are in this new season and more excited than ever to see what each minute brings...
With love,
Team Vinson

i only know how to fish.

... ... ... ... ...
can't come up with the words to start this blog.
... ... ... ... ...

I feel like life has been put back in me.

I'm dreaming again.

I'm getting so excited about what's happening around me.

I can envision the future. ... and I love what I see.

I started working at National City in April, 2005. I was 20 years old and getting ready to marry Ryan Vinson. Everything about the job came at the most perfect time... mostly the insurance.
I quickly moved up at the bank and quickly bought into the business world lie.
For the last year, I have been part time and have learned to absolutely love taking care of my family.

On July 31, 2010 God rocked my world....

This is what I learned.

Ryan and I believe (strongly) that the plan "A" for our life is youth ministry in Boone County. We know that there is a need for a place where teenagers can come and experience Jesus in a real and practical way. They need a place where they can come and be loved on, no matter what baggage they bring through the door.

With both of us working "part time" jobs, there was no way that we could give all of our time to the ministry we are both so passionate about.

I believe that I heard God clearly communicate to me and that He asked (not told) me to quit my job. When I questioned, I heard "trust me".
Ryan came to me the next day and told me that he needed to quit his job.

Here we are, both believing we are to quit our jobs. this is craziness. All I have known is working at the bank. I mastered it. It's not all that challenging for me and is quite honestly a social experience that I get paid for.
Ryan has built so many good connections in the community through Starbucks and since we moved to Lebanon, that's all that he's known.
And God has asked us to walk away from what we've known to follow Him??

hmmmm... sounds familiar.

we agreed.

I will be taking Ryan's spot at Starbucks and he will be able to solely focus on the revolution. When we were talking and working out the details, I thought maybe I misunderstood God. He asked me to quit my job. Why am I going to start working somewhere else? Through (lots of) prayer and quiet time, I believe that God has shared His heart with me.

The bank has always been our main source of income, our fall back plan... our plan B.
God is taking me on a journey to understand that I can never fully give my life to plan A until I sever ties to plan B.

I don't know what the future holds, but based on history, I'd say God is pretty faithful to His word.
I'm excited to see how He will come through in all areas of our life and can't wait to brag on Him!!

severing ties,
Sunshine

this is the word that God has given to me right now:
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Philippians 4:11-12
much love, friends.

\ˌin-si-ˈkyu̇r\

Continuing on my journey of reflection, I have recently discovered something that has been rearing it's ugly head in my life.

Insecurity.

According to Webster's Dictionary, Insecure means the following:
1 : not confident or sure : uncertain
2 : not adequately guarded or sustained : unsafe
3 : not firmly fastened or fixed : shaky
4 : not highly stable or well-adjusted
5 : deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety

Growing up, I had many reasons to be insecure. I didn't feel comfortable with who I was and I didn't know my Savior well enough to hear what He had to say about me.

When I was about 14, God made Himself very real to me. I discovered Him and what He had to say about me, His beautiful creation. I was hand crafted and He took His time with me. I was well planned out, even if I wasn't "in the plan". He thinks thoughts of me that would out number the grains of sand on the shore or the stars in the sky. He had created me with purpose and vision and a heart of innocence. He formed me in my mother's womb and not even the harshness of a man's hand could harm me there. He revealed Himself to me. He was my God. He was my creator and I was His creation. It was a beautiful relationship. What did I have to be insecure about? I knew my God and He knew me.

I can remember well the days of my teenage years being secure enough in who my God was that I didn't need to be "secure in who I was" like the rest of my friends - even the ones who grew up knowing God. It was like God and I had this special and unique relationship. He meant what He said about being a father to the fatherless and that was good for me. We had a special bond. He was my daddy.

Somewhere along the way, I have walked away from that innocence. I have traded it for the approval of others and for the dreams that I have for myself. I have replaced the desires of His heart for me with the desires of the world's heart for me. I have desperately sought after being good enough for the next pay raise, well spoken word, or any other sort of approval instead of "desperately seeking, frantically believing that the sight of HIS face" would be all that I need.

I often don't feel like I fit in. I usually feel different from the people around me. This is just how it's been for as long as I can remember. I was always ok with it. I wonder, often, what happened? I still feel like I don't fit in, but suddenly I'm trying everything I know to measure up. I can't do it anymore ... and I'm ok with that.

I'm in the process of going through the refining fire. It's messy. There are sparks flying. People are watching, possibly judging ... and I'm ok with that. I am going to put to rest these insecurities and cling to the One who created me. I am going to remember that He has made me for a purpose and a plan. I am going to remind myself that He will give me the desires of my heart. I am going to understand that He is shaping me. I will insist on drawing near to Him because I can no longer afford to stay far away. I can no longer depend on the world, or anyone in it, to remind me of these things ... It's me and Jesus.

In closing, I read this today while reading the word and I find it very fitting:
FREEDOM FROM HUMAN REGULATIONS THROUGH LIFE WITH CHRIST:
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ." Colossians 2:6-8

I will fight to have the innocence with my father again. I will fight to gain His heart.

I will not cave to my human insecurities and I will remember that it's only through Jesus that I am going to make it.

Sunshine, the Pharisee ....

I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life lately. We took an amazing family vacation recently and I was able to relax and recover from the last few years of school life.
While there, I realized a lot about myself. I was remembering dreams I had long forgotten and I was coming up with a plan to rebuild my marriage and my relationship with my daughter. For far too long, these important relationships have been on the back burner and took second (or third) place to my relationship with school. They deserve better.

The other relationship that has been neglected is the one between me and my Jesus. For far too long I have been living off of the crumbs of the past and been drinking of the cup that was full five years ago. The well has run dry.

I have been doing a great job fitting Jesus into my busy life, but have quickly realized that I can no longer live like this. Once the distraction of school was taken away, it became clear that all of the relationships in my life were suffering and under immense pressure. The result could be fatal if I didn't quickly respond.

I have been living the life of a a sanctimonious, self-righteous, or hypocritical person... I have been living the life of a Pharisee.

and now I'm in need of a redemption. It's a good thing that my God redeems.

I'm working on being more like Jesus. I want to love like He loved. I want to listen like He listened. This goes beyond knowing about Him, I desperately want to know His heart. I remain encouraged that He hasn't given up on me.

I have learned a lot over the last few months. I have learned that I am far too judgmental. I jump to conclusions too quickly. I like rituals and my traditions. I have also learned that I want to break free from all of it.

I am reminded of a song by Derek Webb "Wedding Dress" ...
If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for

And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?

[Chorus]
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

****************************************************

I am walking away from the life of a Pharisee and embracing the life of a disciple.

Table For Two

my husband and I are passionate about music. He is much more talented than I am, but I think we are equally as passionate about it.
It's amazing to me how one song can take you back to a moment in your life. I have several songs that lead me to different places.
I suppose the best thing that has ever been created is what's called "A mixed tape". My generation might not know what that is, but it would basically mean to put together a play list on your iPod. The creation that I am talking about, however, is a genuine mixed cassette tape. One that is labeled "Sunshine's Mix" or something along those lines.
There are several songs that I would have on my personal mix to represent my life, but there is one specific song that has been there for at least 7 years.
Caedmon's Call is one of the most creative, down home Christian bands that I have ever heard. I'm usually not a huge fan of "Christian" music, but Caedmon's Call steals a place in my heart. They have a song called "Table for Two" on their album entitled 40 Acres. (Side note: it is well worth the 9.99 you will pay to download the entire album on iTunes)
There is a line in the song that is constantly resounding in my heart and I feel like it is getting stronger.

The line goes like this:

"Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means"

Wow. That's some powerful stuff. He KNOWS the plans that He has for me and He can't plan the end and not plan the means. Wow. He really has my life in His hand. He really wants me to make my own choices, but wants me to consult Him when I am deciding which way to go.
Just like any good father, He wants what's best for me.

*break*

In an attempt to be transparent, I will say this. There have been moments over the last few years, months, weeks, and even days when I wonder why we are in Lebanon, IN. We have grown to absolutely love this place and the people who are here. We have a genuine passion to see the people here come to know Jesus in a very real way and we are honored that we get to be part of the process.
We know that there is so much in store for our lives and we believe we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
Even with all that is going on, it is so tempting to think "what's next?" If it's this good now, how can it get better? We never want to look at this as our training ground, but as our actual battle. We want to give everything we have to the people here and right now. However, because we have seen how God works, we know that there is so much more to come.
Do you ever get the feeling that something great is going on around you? It's almost like an anxious feeling, but it's really like the floodgate is about to open. It's almost like you're on the verge of something really great, but you just have no idea what it is. That's what we've been feeling.

We (I) are (am) learning the difference between contentment and complacency. We are begging God to help us be content and in the same breath begging Him to never let us grow complacent.

Thanks to Caedmon's Call, I am reminded that as long as we are walking in obedience, then every thing is happening right on schedule. I am also reminded that He really cannot plan the end and not have a plan for all of the things that come in between.

I am learning that I am "CALLED" to live out my life on a day to day basis in love and truth. I am learning what it means to have PURE RELIGION: to love the poor and the widows. I am learning that it is absolutely better to speak up and out against injustice than to choose to take a seat on the side lines.

Through the thousands of mistakes I make on a daily basis, I am realizing that I am responsible to walk in love and obedience, taking risks, and having a profile of one who is obesessed.

Excuse me while I go clean the coffee stain from my shirt,
Sunshine

...once school is done...

Any person who knows me knows that I think I have a touch of ADD. I actually tend to think that it runs in my family. I have scattered thoughts constantly and sometimes have trouble connecting the dots. This makes for interesting conversations typically in my life.

I have so many random thoughts concerning the end of school. I think - no, I am CONVINCED - that my life is going to be a glorious Utopia when I complete my final class on May 18, 2010.

Perhaps then I can regain control of my entire life once school is done.

I can dedicate my time to the youth ministry once school is done.
I can have more time to work out once school is done.
I can read the books that I have wanted to read once school is done.
- Boundaries in Marriage
- A Biography on Martin Luther
I can spend more quality time with my husband once school is done.
I can play with my daughter and take her on lots of picnics once school is done.
I can take a photography class once school is done.
I can engage in relationships once school is done.
I can learn to love running once school is done.
I can read Adeline books and teach her about life once school is done.
I can give more time to the church doing the things I love once school is done.
I can develop the admin side of the Revolution once school is done.
I can show my husband how much I adore him once school is done.
I can encourage the people around me once school is done.
I can volunteer in the community doing things I love once school is done.
I can go places randomly with friends once school is done.
I can love my family like I'm meant to love them once school is done.
I can call my family more once school is done.
I can drink starbucks and have good conversation at starbucks once school is done.
I can write my book once school is done.
I can send random cards to people who need and deserve them once school is done.
I can learn to cook fun meals (including desserts) once school is done.
I can be a better friend to the people around me once school is done.

My friend recently pointed out to me that she didn't think my life was going to change as much as I thought it was going to once school is done. I am convinced that it will. I figure I will have eight extra hours a week that I'm not sitting in the class room plus an additional five hours a week that I'm not doing homework or thinking about class or planning meals around class or finding a babysitter for while I'm in class or ... or ... or ... (fill in the blank).

I will most likely go for my Master's in the next two to three years, depending on what life throws at me. For now, I will focus on finishing my two classes that I start this week.
We are taking our annual family vacation to Florida this year the week after school is complete. Something tells me that I am going to have more fun (and more of a relaxing time) on this vacation than on any other vacation that I have ever taken. I will ENJOY my husband and my daughter and our time together to regroup.

I realized the other day that the first time I ever felt my daughter kick when I was pregnant was when I was sitting in class on a Wednesday night. My daughter doesn't know what it is to not have a mom in school. I am glad that hopefully this is teaching her the value of education, but of course am nervous that she feels neglected.

Well. I must go. You guessed it. I have a 30 page paper due in one class and a 10 page due in the other. I have to start them so that I don't get even more overwhelmed than I already am.

I can be stress free ... once school is done.

Eat to Live - Day One

I feel like there is a major chapter in my life that is coming to a close soon. School. Most people dread the thought of going to school... I do not. I have this sick obsession with school. I love the thought of learning by lecture, doing homework, getting grades, etc.
In exactly SEVEN weeks (forty nine days), I will officially be a graduate of Indiana Wesleyan University. I will be boarding a plane on a family vacation in exactly seven weeks to be able to celebrate the achievement.
In order to have an enjoyable time, I have made a commitment to do my best to lose some weight before we go.
My husband (who is incredible) has agreed with me to do a plant based diet with me for six solid weeks.
Let me tell you what I had for breakfast. It was amazing. A shake that consisted of: a banana, strawberries, blueberries, soy milk, and a handful of spinach lettuce. I know, right? You wouldn't think that would taste amazing, but I can assure you, it did!
For lunch, I have had a salad with a little dressing, an apple, and an orange. I haven't been hungry all day, but suddenly I feel famished.
I realized, recently, that I have a strong food addiction. That's right, I said it. I have an addiction to food. I eat when I'm FEELING any thing, not necessarily just when I'm feeling hungry.
I'm not hungry, but it is a habit for me to SNACK right about now, so I am resisting the urge and typing out this blog instead!

Anyway, here's to day one of Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Furhman. I know that the payoff will be great. I am trying not to focus on the big picture of "six weeks", but am instead going to take it day by day. The more I think about it, I'm not even at the point that I CAN take it day by day, but instead meal by meal. I can do this. I can get through this day.
I will keep you as up to date as possible... here goes nothing!

emancipated.

–verb (used with object), -pat⋅ed, -pat⋅ing.
1. to free from restraint, influence, or the like.
2. to free (a slave) from bondage.

Finally. The holiday season is over. I know this might come to a shock to most, but I am not a big fan of "the Christmas season".

Gleaning wisdom from one of my favorite movies: Charlie Brown's Christmas, Lucy is speaking to Charlie Brown and says: "Look, Charlie, let's face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know."

Maybe that's why I'm not a big fan of the Christmas season.

Two days before Christmas, we had an ugly sweater party at the Revolution. We ate a big dinner and had a ton of fun. At the end, Ryan pulled up all of the students to sit on the floor and read them the Christmas story. As he read it, I was quickly reminded that I really do like Christmas.

As the days went on, we went to Ganda's house Christmas eve. There weren't a lot of presents which was nice. It was all about family and eating and hanging out and eating and eating more.

A few days later, we spent the night at Ryan's childhood home. It was a full house! Ryan's brother and wife and son came in from out of town and we all had a big sleepover! Ryan's sister and her husband and three girls were there but were unable to stay the night.
It was the same situation: hang out, eat, laugh, eat, play wii, eat. You get the cycle.
During a conversation with my SIL Jamie and MIL Robin, I decided that I was going to adopt Jamie's thought process for weight. She told me to just act as if I was once 300 pounds, so I would always feel good about where I currently was. Hilarious.

Here I am on January 3rd regretting all of the eating. I feel sick. Still.

Most people don't know this about me, but I have an addiction to my weight. It's more like an obsession. Almost every morning for the past few years, I stand on the scale (you know, like I'm supposed to - right after I pee and right before I get in the shower. naked so I can weigh less. :) )

Today, I have been emancipated from the bondage of my scale. I picked it up while I was tempted to stand on it and I took it outside and threw it away. Just like that. No one could have talked me off the ledge. I will no longer be dictated by a number. There. I said it.

I desire health. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good. Although I have a goal weight in mind, I am now driven by the desire to have more energy, feel good about myself, sleep better, and be alive longer. It's amazing to me how there is a direct correlation between how I physically feel and how I run my life. My relationships all around are better - with God, my husband, my daughter, friends, and family. My attitude is better. The list could go on and on.

So, friends and neighbors. Today is my day. I am choosing health. I know that this won't be an easy journey. I know that I will be tempted along the way. But I know this is best.

I will be using this tool of blogging to post how things are going. I've gone back and forth about posting my "starting weight" but I'm not going to just yet. Why? Because I just threw my scale away and have no idea what it officially is (duh).

Mostly though, because that's not why I am doing this. This is about health.

So today, I celebrate. I am no longer a slave to a box that tells me a magic number.