Sunshine, the Pharisee ....

I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life lately. We took an amazing family vacation recently and I was able to relax and recover from the last few years of school life.
While there, I realized a lot about myself. I was remembering dreams I had long forgotten and I was coming up with a plan to rebuild my marriage and my relationship with my daughter. For far too long, these important relationships have been on the back burner and took second (or third) place to my relationship with school. They deserve better.

The other relationship that has been neglected is the one between me and my Jesus. For far too long I have been living off of the crumbs of the past and been drinking of the cup that was full five years ago. The well has run dry.

I have been doing a great job fitting Jesus into my busy life, but have quickly realized that I can no longer live like this. Once the distraction of school was taken away, it became clear that all of the relationships in my life were suffering and under immense pressure. The result could be fatal if I didn't quickly respond.

I have been living the life of a a sanctimonious, self-righteous, or hypocritical person... I have been living the life of a Pharisee.

and now I'm in need of a redemption. It's a good thing that my God redeems.

I'm working on being more like Jesus. I want to love like He loved. I want to listen like He listened. This goes beyond knowing about Him, I desperately want to know His heart. I remain encouraged that He hasn't given up on me.

I have learned a lot over the last few months. I have learned that I am far too judgmental. I jump to conclusions too quickly. I like rituals and my traditions. I have also learned that I want to break free from all of it.

I am reminded of a song by Derek Webb "Wedding Dress" ...
If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for

And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?

[Chorus]
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

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I am walking away from the life of a Pharisee and embracing the life of a disciple.