it's easy to trust God when you have $10,000.00 in the bank.
when the money is gone and the circumstances haven't changed, the word "trust" and "faith" have a whole new meaning.
it's amazing to me when i think i have it figured out and then He does what He's been planning to do since the beginning of time.
top of the line care for my child. handling financial commitments that He laid on Ryan's heart to make. using that financial commitment as a way to teach me to trust that my husband hears God's voice. Using friends as a means of provision to honor that financial commitment. it's a cycle of provision that even my best idea could have never measured up to.
When you listen and are quick to obey, He is quick to provide... every single time.
i've found that of course it's easy to trust God when you have $10,000.00 in the bank.
but what i've discovered over the last year is more valuable than any amount of money could ever pay for.
when i walk in steps of faith, God will take care of those who He calls His own, and who call Him their own, time and time again.
when i stop trying to force His hand, He moves in ways that are more creative than even the most amazing of plans that I could dream and it blesses more people than just the ones involved.
when i trust that my husband and i are in this together and we walk in obedience to the one who has called us, we become more united that even the oldest of couples.
when i stop, watch, look, and remain amazed at the hand of the Lord, my lips can't help but sing praises to the God in the highest. My feet can't help but dance before the Lord. My hands can't stop clapping in the highest of admiration to the King of all Kings. My mind can't focus on anything but the overwhelming goodness of my God.
dancing in the rain and being drenched by the down pour is a steady reminder of the Hand that is so quick to provide rain to the dry land...
watching the trees clap their hands and dance before the Lord shows me to dance the dance of victory in the land of provision...
the thunder is that of all of the angels singing over and over and over ...
Glory to God in the highest.
i take comfort in what the psalmist said "I was once young and now I am old. I have never seen the righteous forsaken nor their children begging bread."
longevity and provision.
I want to live long enough to tell of His goodness in the oldest of age. that I can look back and never once regret walking in what He's asked me to do.
what if my life could be a reflection of the hand of God at all times? what better testimony could there be?
i want to be drenched in the down pour and dance in the land of the living
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Jesus died for Lady Gaga as much as He died for me...
I love Monday.
Today was especially fun.
Adeline and I had a lot of time at home today so we got to just hang out. I downloaded some new music and we had a dance party of sorts. She put on her ballerina costume and was a dancing fool.
We danced to "Edge of Glory" by Lady Gaga and it was so fun! I captured the entire thing on camera and I smeared it on facebook. I posted it to all of our family. Everyone loved how cute it was! ... well... maybe not EVERY one.
A couple of hours later, I read a post that basically said people who claim to be followers of Christ should not be "supporting" Lady Gaga and proceeding to quote Ephesians 5:11 - "Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them."
I'm not going to lie, I wanted to scream.
I just heard an amazing sermon series called "Cow Tipping" by Steven Furtick at Elevation Church.
The message was all about killing the sacred cows in the church.
Listening to secular music, watching rated "R" movies, drinking a glass of wine with dinner, etc.
Making black and white out of things that are gray. That's called Legalism.
Don't put your convictions on other people. Just because you have a conviction about something that is a gray issue in the bible doesn't mean that you are allowed to put that conviction on someone else. Don't be legalistic.
The exception to this rule is when you accept a leadership position and the authority in charge has asked something of the people who lead. If you agree to something and then choose not to obey it for whatever reason, you are in sin. Not because of the act, but because of the disobedience.
For example, Ryan has put in the Revolution application that you will agree not to drink while on staff at the Revolution. The bible doesn't prohibit drinking. It speaks clearly about getting drunk. Drinking is a gray area. HOWEVER, Ryan has asked his staff to agree to not drinking at all. If someone agrees to that rule and then breaks the rule, they are not sinning because they drank alcohol, they are sinning against the authority over them.
I have come to realize about myself that I have a real problem with people who push their convictions on me and my family.
I have a good, solid relationship with God. I know Him and I know His voice. I know the Holy Spirit and understand the thought and the process of conviction.
Pray for my soul, if you must, that's fine.
I promise that listening to Lady Gaga will not send my soul to hell.
On a lighter note, the video that I recorded is absolutely adorable. It's going to remain on facebook, so if we're friends, feel free to check it out.
If we're friends and you think that listening to Lady Gaga is sinful, please avoid watching said video.
Jesus died for Lady Gaga, too...
Today was especially fun.
Adeline and I had a lot of time at home today so we got to just hang out. I downloaded some new music and we had a dance party of sorts. She put on her ballerina costume and was a dancing fool.
We danced to "Edge of Glory" by Lady Gaga and it was so fun! I captured the entire thing on camera and I smeared it on facebook. I posted it to all of our family. Everyone loved how cute it was! ... well... maybe not EVERY one.
A couple of hours later, I read a post that basically said people who claim to be followers of Christ should not be "supporting" Lady Gaga and proceeding to quote Ephesians 5:11 - "Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them."
I'm not going to lie, I wanted to scream.
I just heard an amazing sermon series called "Cow Tipping" by Steven Furtick at Elevation Church.
The message was all about killing the sacred cows in the church.
Listening to secular music, watching rated "R" movies, drinking a glass of wine with dinner, etc.
Making black and white out of things that are gray. That's called Legalism.
Don't put your convictions on other people. Just because you have a conviction about something that is a gray issue in the bible doesn't mean that you are allowed to put that conviction on someone else. Don't be legalistic.
The exception to this rule is when you accept a leadership position and the authority in charge has asked something of the people who lead. If you agree to something and then choose not to obey it for whatever reason, you are in sin. Not because of the act, but because of the disobedience.
For example, Ryan has put in the Revolution application that you will agree not to drink while on staff at the Revolution. The bible doesn't prohibit drinking. It speaks clearly about getting drunk. Drinking is a gray area. HOWEVER, Ryan has asked his staff to agree to not drinking at all. If someone agrees to that rule and then breaks the rule, they are not sinning because they drank alcohol, they are sinning against the authority over them.
I have come to realize about myself that I have a real problem with people who push their convictions on me and my family.
I have a good, solid relationship with God. I know Him and I know His voice. I know the Holy Spirit and understand the thought and the process of conviction.
Pray for my soul, if you must, that's fine.
I promise that listening to Lady Gaga will not send my soul to hell.
On a lighter note, the video that I recorded is absolutely adorable. It's going to remain on facebook, so if we're friends, feel free to check it out.
If we're friends and you think that listening to Lady Gaga is sinful, please avoid watching said video.
Jesus died for Lady Gaga, too...
Sunday, May 22, 2011
A Help(WHAT)?!?
It's been almost six years since I said "I do" to my husband. We actually used the words "I will" but for simplicities sake, our anniversary is in a month.
We had no idea what we were getting into. We were (barely) twenty years old and were completely crazy about each other. We didn't care that we were completely opposite in almost every single way. The things that drove us crazy about each other were the things that brought us to each other. The things that we fought passionately about were the same things that made us passionate about each other. It's just who we were... Ryan and Sunshine.
Over the last six years, we have grown exponentially. Individually and together. We have changed, drastically, from the people we were to the people we are... individually and together.
I am a naturally a "take-charge" sort of person while Ryan is naturally a "laid-back" sort of person. I am often too opinionated while he is often (in my opinion) not opinionated enough.
Yesterday I had some major mind-shifting revelations. I can't explain it. I would liken it to what Oprah would call an "Ah-ha moment".
Except it wasn't so ah-haish.
It was more like ... ... ... thank you GAWD!!
I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT!
I am here to be Ryan's helper!! Not his boss, critic, devil's advocate, co-worker, or fellow church staffer... I am his HELPER.
I help him succeed.
I help him look good.
I help him grow.
I help him follow Jesus.
I help him live life!
For so long I have resisted being "Ryan's Wife".
MY NAME IS SUNSHINE!!! NOT RYAN'S WIFE!
But now...
Hi, I'm Ryan's wife, Sunshine.
My job in life is to love Jesus, love Ryan, love my family, and love my friends... in that order.
This "helpmate" thing is going to take some time for me to figure out.
If you're a close friend of ours, you're probably dying laughing at this moment at the mere THOUGHT of me being a wife who ADORES her husband instead of CRITICIZING him. I'm going to do it.
I think he's bringing sexy back in a whole new way. He's a hard working man who loves God, has incredible faith, adores his wife, loves his family, and shares his life with the people around him. He's loyal and content and extremely hot. I have no reason not to be crazy about him and crazy in love with him.
here's to the new adventure of being a helper to the one I love...
We had no idea what we were getting into. We were (barely) twenty years old and were completely crazy about each other. We didn't care that we were completely opposite in almost every single way. The things that drove us crazy about each other were the things that brought us to each other. The things that we fought passionately about were the same things that made us passionate about each other. It's just who we were... Ryan and Sunshine.
Over the last six years, we have grown exponentially. Individually and together. We have changed, drastically, from the people we were to the people we are... individually and together.
I am a naturally a "take-charge" sort of person while Ryan is naturally a "laid-back" sort of person. I am often too opinionated while he is often (in my opinion) not opinionated enough.
Yesterday I had some major mind-shifting revelations. I can't explain it. I would liken it to what Oprah would call an "Ah-ha moment".
Except it wasn't so ah-haish.
It was more like ... ... ... thank you GAWD!!
I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT!
I am here to be Ryan's helper!! Not his boss, critic, devil's advocate, co-worker, or fellow church staffer... I am his HELPER.
I help him succeed.
I help him look good.
I help him grow.
I help him follow Jesus.
I help him live life!
For so long I have resisted being "Ryan's Wife".
MY NAME IS SUNSHINE!!! NOT RYAN'S WIFE!
But now...
Hi, I'm Ryan's wife, Sunshine.
My job in life is to love Jesus, love Ryan, love my family, and love my friends... in that order.
This "helpmate" thing is going to take some time for me to figure out.
If you're a close friend of ours, you're probably dying laughing at this moment at the mere THOUGHT of me being a wife who ADORES her husband instead of CRITICIZING him. I'm going to do it.
I think he's bringing sexy back in a whole new way. He's a hard working man who loves God, has incredible faith, adores his wife, loves his family, and shares his life with the people around him. He's loyal and content and extremely hot. I have no reason not to be crazy about him and crazy in love with him.
here's to the new adventure of being a helper to the one I love...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
don't hold my words against me.
some days I want to work out
and
some days I want to lay around
and
watch way too much TV.
I want to learn to knit.
I want to master the art of photography.
I want to work out consistently.
I want to be lazy.
I want to be a nutritious snob.
I want to eat cheap, not healthy.
I want to earn a lot of money.
I want to experience sacrifice.
I want to fight to the death.
I want to give up.
Some people feel that this sort of non-sense is
wishy-washy.
This is me.
If I say I want to do something
I want to do it.
I might not ever follow through.
I might change my mind.
I might feel like I'm going to fail.
I might be scared to tell you I don't know.
I might hate you if you pressure me.
I might break down in tears.
I might give up.
This is me.
I will overcome.
I will live life.
I will be better than your expectations of me.
I will come out stronger.
I will fight harder.
I will show you that I can do anything.
I will pursue greatness.
I will surpass your limits on me.
But if I don't.
Will you love me?
Will you think I'm good enough?
Will you value my existence over my achievements?
Will you ensure I survive?
Will you follow through with your promises?
Will you never leave?
Whatever you do.
Please.
Don't hold.
my words.
against me.
and
some days I want to lay around
and
watch way too much TV.
I want to learn to knit.
I want to master the art of photography.
I want to work out consistently.
I want to be lazy.
I want to be a nutritious snob.
I want to eat cheap, not healthy.
I want to earn a lot of money.
I want to experience sacrifice.
I want to fight to the death.
I want to give up.
Some people feel that this sort of non-sense is
wishy-washy.
This is me.
If I say I want to do something
I want to do it.
I might not ever follow through.
I might change my mind.
I might feel like I'm going to fail.
I might be scared to tell you I don't know.
I might hate you if you pressure me.
I might break down in tears.
I might give up.
This is me.
I will overcome.
I will live life.
I will be better than your expectations of me.
I will come out stronger.
I will fight harder.
I will show you that I can do anything.
I will pursue greatness.
I will surpass your limits on me.
But if I don't.
Will you love me?
Will you think I'm good enough?
Will you value my existence over my achievements?
Will you ensure I survive?
Will you follow through with your promises?
Will you never leave?
Whatever you do.
Please.
Don't hold.
my words.
against me.
Friday, April 22, 2011
if not for grace...
Grace - When God gives you something you don't deserve.
Mercy - When God withholds the punishment that you do deserve.
I am grateful for both.
The grace of God is something that overwhelms me when I think of it.
Some days I am so reminded of where I have come from. Today is one of those days. In just five short days, I will celebrate 13 years of walking with Jesus.
I can't believe it.
So far, it's been an epic love story.
There's been romance, love, hurt, heartache, tears of joy, dances of victory, and crying in the valley.
The story is still being written.
His grace covered my life long before I recognized it as what it really was.
There were so many stupid decisions that could have led to so many different outcomes.
His grace covered me.
There were words spoken over me that could have destroyed me.
His grace covered me.
There were wounds so deep that could have poisoned, infected, and killed me.
His grace covered me.
Time and time again, I can look back and say that His grace surely did cover me.
I desperately want my life to reflect the level of grace that He had on me.
I want that grace to be so evident on and in my life that people will say of my life: "Surely she has stood in the presence of the Lord."
Just like any great love story, the middle and end are just as exciting as the beginning. After almost thirteen years, I am more intrigued and more passionately in love than I have ever been.
I haven't even begun to touch the surface of who God is and yet I'm so deep already.
I just want my life to convey the love and the grace of my God.
"Oh how amazing the grace that is leading the lost and the prodigals home"
- New Life Worship
Filled with awe and wonder,
SV
Mercy - When God withholds the punishment that you do deserve.
I am grateful for both.
The grace of God is something that overwhelms me when I think of it.
Some days I am so reminded of where I have come from. Today is one of those days. In just five short days, I will celebrate 13 years of walking with Jesus.
I can't believe it.
So far, it's been an epic love story.
There's been romance, love, hurt, heartache, tears of joy, dances of victory, and crying in the valley.
The story is still being written.
His grace covered my life long before I recognized it as what it really was.
There were so many stupid decisions that could have led to so many different outcomes.
His grace covered me.
There were words spoken over me that could have destroyed me.
His grace covered me.
There were wounds so deep that could have poisoned, infected, and killed me.
His grace covered me.
Time and time again, I can look back and say that His grace surely did cover me.
I desperately want my life to reflect the level of grace that He had on me.
I want that grace to be so evident on and in my life that people will say of my life: "Surely she has stood in the presence of the Lord."
Just like any great love story, the middle and end are just as exciting as the beginning. After almost thirteen years, I am more intrigued and more passionately in love than I have ever been.
I haven't even begun to touch the surface of who God is and yet I'm so deep already.
I just want my life to convey the love and the grace of my God.
"Oh how amazing the grace that is leading the lost and the prodigals home"
- New Life Worship
Filled with awe and wonder,
SV
Saturday, April 16, 2011
humming old hymns...
I had a starbucks date with one of our students tonight. It's amazing to me how comfy chairs and hot chocolate can allow someone to open up.
After an hour of general conversation, she told me she desperately wanting to connect to her dad. She told me about her other friends who have dads that show affection and adoration for their children. She began to describe the relationship that she wishes she had with her dad.
There's something that is inside of every single girl that desires to have a relationship with her daddy. There is an innocence inside of every girl to be a daddy's girl. Girls want to be loved, admired, and adored by their dads.
Sadly, especially in this world, the relationship between a dad and a daughter has been pushed to the bottom of the unending list of things that need to happen on a daily basis. We cannot forget the importance of this relationship.
For those girls who desire that relationship, but have no father, I have some encouraging news for you!
Psalm 68:3-6 says it like this:
But may the righteous be glad
and rejoice before God;
may they be happy and joyful.
Sing to God, sing praise to his name,
extol him who rides on the cloudsa—
his name is the Lord—
and rejoice before him.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
I love how God really is a Father to the fatherless. He has a special place in His heart for the people of this world who are missing out on a relationship with their father.
I love that God has adopted me into His family.
For so long, I felt like an orphan child. I never could understand why my dad didn't want a relationship with me. As I got older, it got harder and harder to understand. Even to this day, I don't understand how a dad could just walk away from his family.
BUT I KNOW NOW that my God is the best father that I could ever have.
I am feeling more and more ready to share my story with the world. After tonight, I feel like if even one person can be encouraged, inspired, or challenged by my story, then every second of my life would have been worth it.
Tonight I was reminded at how grateful I am that God is a good God and is a father to the fatherless. I really am so glad that I'm part of the family of God.
After an hour of general conversation, she told me she desperately wanting to connect to her dad. She told me about her other friends who have dads that show affection and adoration for their children. She began to describe the relationship that she wishes she had with her dad.
There's something that is inside of every single girl that desires to have a relationship with her daddy. There is an innocence inside of every girl to be a daddy's girl. Girls want to be loved, admired, and adored by their dads.
Sadly, especially in this world, the relationship between a dad and a daughter has been pushed to the bottom of the unending list of things that need to happen on a daily basis. We cannot forget the importance of this relationship.
For those girls who desire that relationship, but have no father, I have some encouraging news for you!
Psalm 68:3-6 says it like this:
But may the righteous be glad
and rejoice before God;
may they be happy and joyful.
Sing to God, sing praise to his name,
extol him who rides on the cloudsa—
his name is the Lord—
and rejoice before him.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
I love how God really is a Father to the fatherless. He has a special place in His heart for the people of this world who are missing out on a relationship with their father.
I love that God has adopted me into His family.
For so long, I felt like an orphan child. I never could understand why my dad didn't want a relationship with me. As I got older, it got harder and harder to understand. Even to this day, I don't understand how a dad could just walk away from his family.
BUT I KNOW NOW that my God is the best father that I could ever have.
I am feeling more and more ready to share my story with the world. After tonight, I feel like if even one person can be encouraged, inspired, or challenged by my story, then every second of my life would have been worth it.
Tonight I was reminded at how grateful I am that God is a good God and is a father to the fatherless. I really am so glad that I'm part of the family of God.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
In the world of Sunshine, this blog is all about how blessed I am.
(warning... this post is all about me talking through figuring something out)
Six weeks ago, I was blessed with the most amazing opportunity in the world... I witnessed the miracle of life take place.
Eden Olivia Wells was born and my life was changed.
I have had the blessings of good, steady, solid friendships in my life. I think God knows me well enough that I was never meant to live life alone. I need people around me, living life with me, walking beside me and God has been so gracious in strategically placing people all along the way.
The friends who have been placed in my life are not surface "how ya doing?" passerby kind of friends. They are the kind who look me in the eye and say "how are you." and no matter what the answer, they love me. At that question, I have given all sorts of answers at all sorts of points of life with all sorts of emotions... and the people who are really on the journey have always stuck with me.
What I'm starting to discover about life is that relationships really are the most important part of life. They take hard work, they change and evolve, and they don't always happen the way you think, but they are what's important in life.
I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people who God has allowed me to walk with. I don't have much to offer to the friends who I've been given, but I love them.
Eden entering into this world a few weeks ago was one of the most life changing events that I have every experienced.
Standing in the hospital room with Rachel and LG was a total representation of what I want my friendships to look like. It represented a way of life. Rachel was obviously the one who had to do the work, but LG and I were right there letting her know she wasn't in this alone. Not only was she not going to do the delivery alone but that she wasn't going to have to raise her alone. It was like LG and I were signing up for life... we're in this!
The next couple of hours and days of Eden's life helped me to remember what level of dependency children have on their parents. She looked to Rachel for everything... security, food, love, shelter... everything. My thoughts immediately turned to the miracle God gave me ... Adeline Grace. Oh my word. I remember being the one in the hospital bed with a newborn depending on me for her every need. It wasn't too long ago! It forced me to try to figure out at what point I started letting everything be more important than her.
Ministry life is draining and fulfilling. It's rewarding and exhausting. The problem is that most people forget that it's not the one getting the pay check, but it's the entire family who is impacted by "ministry life". It never turns off. You have to always wear your ministry hat. It's part of who you are. It is my responsibility to show Adeline that before I love one single person in the church, I love her. That's what's really important in life. The relationship between me and my daughter. I'm her mom before I'm anything in the church... and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that. Since then, I have cut everything except Wednesday night youth services. I want her to know without question that she's more important than anyone else.
That, of course, those thoughts led me to a relationship that's even more important than that one. My daughter will have the most amount of love and security if she knows that I love her dad more than anyone. That means a little more PDA (this one falls on me). It means that I keep our house running as a home and my husband knows that I love and respect him. I want Adeline to see the solid foundation of her parents loving each other with a mature love. It's playful and it's passionate. It's silly and sincere.
Moving on to the most important relationship ... it's the relationship with my creator. I want to be continually falling in love and pursuing the heart of God...
I guess in my journey right now, I am at a point of discovering what's really important in life. It's my relationships with people.
Not the relationships that have ill intentions, but the ones that are a deep rooted love for one another that will stand through the test of time...
So. What's most important in life? Relationships. simple as that.
1 Corinthians 13 (The Message)
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
(warning... this post is all about me talking through figuring something out)
Six weeks ago, I was blessed with the most amazing opportunity in the world... I witnessed the miracle of life take place.
Eden Olivia Wells was born and my life was changed.
I have had the blessings of good, steady, solid friendships in my life. I think God knows me well enough that I was never meant to live life alone. I need people around me, living life with me, walking beside me and God has been so gracious in strategically placing people all along the way.
The friends who have been placed in my life are not surface "how ya doing?" passerby kind of friends. They are the kind who look me in the eye and say "how are you." and no matter what the answer, they love me. At that question, I have given all sorts of answers at all sorts of points of life with all sorts of emotions... and the people who are really on the journey have always stuck with me.
What I'm starting to discover about life is that relationships really are the most important part of life. They take hard work, they change and evolve, and they don't always happen the way you think, but they are what's important in life.
I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people who God has allowed me to walk with. I don't have much to offer to the friends who I've been given, but I love them.
Eden entering into this world a few weeks ago was one of the most life changing events that I have every experienced.
Standing in the hospital room with Rachel and LG was a total representation of what I want my friendships to look like. It represented a way of life. Rachel was obviously the one who had to do the work, but LG and I were right there letting her know she wasn't in this alone. Not only was she not going to do the delivery alone but that she wasn't going to have to raise her alone. It was like LG and I were signing up for life... we're in this!
The next couple of hours and days of Eden's life helped me to remember what level of dependency children have on their parents. She looked to Rachel for everything... security, food, love, shelter... everything. My thoughts immediately turned to the miracle God gave me ... Adeline Grace. Oh my word. I remember being the one in the hospital bed with a newborn depending on me for her every need. It wasn't too long ago! It forced me to try to figure out at what point I started letting everything be more important than her.
Ministry life is draining and fulfilling. It's rewarding and exhausting. The problem is that most people forget that it's not the one getting the pay check, but it's the entire family who is impacted by "ministry life". It never turns off. You have to always wear your ministry hat. It's part of who you are. It is my responsibility to show Adeline that before I love one single person in the church, I love her. That's what's really important in life. The relationship between me and my daughter. I'm her mom before I'm anything in the church... and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that. Since then, I have cut everything except Wednesday night youth services. I want her to know without question that she's more important than anyone else.
That, of course, those thoughts led me to a relationship that's even more important than that one. My daughter will have the most amount of love and security if she knows that I love her dad more than anyone. That means a little more PDA (this one falls on me). It means that I keep our house running as a home and my husband knows that I love and respect him. I want Adeline to see the solid foundation of her parents loving each other with a mature love. It's playful and it's passionate. It's silly and sincere.
Moving on to the most important relationship ... it's the relationship with my creator. I want to be continually falling in love and pursuing the heart of God...
I guess in my journey right now, I am at a point of discovering what's really important in life. It's my relationships with people.
Not the relationships that have ill intentions, but the ones that are a deep rooted love for one another that will stand through the test of time...
So. What's most important in life? Relationships. simple as that.
1 Corinthians 13 (The Message)
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
a mop bucket and a midnight trip to walmart.
In the name of Jesus...
Sometimes when I don't know what to pray, I just say the name of Jesus. There's so much power in just His name. I've stood in His presence and still even His name changes things.
I'm truly at a loss for words.
in the words of David Crowder:
Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it upto You who’s throned
And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord
Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
You're my delights, be my everything
And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now
You should see the view
When it’s only You
I sit here, amazed, at the goodness of God.
I remember the bold prayers of a teenage girl.
I don't want to live on the faith that once was, but on the constant discovery of the God I serve.
I want to pursue His heart.
I desire to seek His face and know the voice of the living God.
I will rejoice, and even dance, in the uncertainty that life brings, because I am held in the hand of the living God.
I will sing of His goodness and rejoice in the darkness because of the clarity of His promise in the light.
I will be confident in my approach to His throne, sure of the grace that I've received.
I will not live on the experience of my past, but live with complete expectancy of what's to come, knowing that I can only go deeper in His presence.
To my husband Ryan:
I listened to that podcast. I get you. I really do. I admire your heart and your passion to know God on a completely different level. How do you become like Tommy Barnett? You obey God one day at a time. You walk in faith and obedience, every single step. You expect greater things than you could create on your own. You pray passionately for the heart beat of God. You don't quit. You expect more. When you think you've had enough, go for more. You shut out the voice of the enemy, giving no room for anything except what God has in store. You grow in your ability to love and to lead by surrounding yourself with people who do it better than you do. You serve the people who God has placed above you. You give even beyond what you know you have. You love the unlovable and you do whatever it takes to tell the untold. You claim what you know is yours and you walk in confidence because of the grace that you have been given. You live your life with excellence, giving no room for accusers. You hold your head high in the company of naysayers. You push on and make forward motion. You allow God's dreams to flow in your life and explode in your heart. You stop asking the questions of "how" and "why me?" and begin saying things like "Let's do this, God... it's all you." You develop a testimony daily by allowing Him to come through. You allow your character to be developed, by any means necessary. You allow time in your walk with God. You open your life to those who are around you. You put the dreams of the ones you are serving above the dreams in your own heart. You make their dreams come true. You give Him credit every single time, no matter what part you play. These are just a few of the things that God said to me when I asked what I needed to do to be "one of the greats of the faith". Let's do this. I love your heart and I love your passion.
Time for bed. We have church tomorrow.
Just one more,
SV
Sometimes when I don't know what to pray, I just say the name of Jesus. There's so much power in just His name. I've stood in His presence and still even His name changes things.
I'm truly at a loss for words.
in the words of David Crowder:
Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it upto You who’s throned
And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord
Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
You're my delights, be my everything
And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now
You should see the view
When it’s only You
I sit here, amazed, at the goodness of God.
I remember the bold prayers of a teenage girl.
I don't want to live on the faith that once was, but on the constant discovery of the God I serve.
I want to pursue His heart.
I desire to seek His face and know the voice of the living God.
I will rejoice, and even dance, in the uncertainty that life brings, because I am held in the hand of the living God.
I will sing of His goodness and rejoice in the darkness because of the clarity of His promise in the light.
I will be confident in my approach to His throne, sure of the grace that I've received.
I will not live on the experience of my past, but live with complete expectancy of what's to come, knowing that I can only go deeper in His presence.
To my husband Ryan:
I listened to that podcast. I get you. I really do. I admire your heart and your passion to know God on a completely different level. How do you become like Tommy Barnett? You obey God one day at a time. You walk in faith and obedience, every single step. You expect greater things than you could create on your own. You pray passionately for the heart beat of God. You don't quit. You expect more. When you think you've had enough, go for more. You shut out the voice of the enemy, giving no room for anything except what God has in store. You grow in your ability to love and to lead by surrounding yourself with people who do it better than you do. You serve the people who God has placed above you. You give even beyond what you know you have. You love the unlovable and you do whatever it takes to tell the untold. You claim what you know is yours and you walk in confidence because of the grace that you have been given. You live your life with excellence, giving no room for accusers. You hold your head high in the company of naysayers. You push on and make forward motion. You allow God's dreams to flow in your life and explode in your heart. You stop asking the questions of "how" and "why me?" and begin saying things like "Let's do this, God... it's all you." You develop a testimony daily by allowing Him to come through. You allow your character to be developed, by any means necessary. You allow time in your walk with God. You open your life to those who are around you. You put the dreams of the ones you are serving above the dreams in your own heart. You make their dreams come true. You give Him credit every single time, no matter what part you play. These are just a few of the things that God said to me when I asked what I needed to do to be "one of the greats of the faith". Let's do this. I love your heart and I love your passion.
Time for bed. We have church tomorrow.
Just one more,
SV
Friday, December 10, 2010
Do I really trust Him?
Here's the thing...
I grew up in a world knowing that we didn't have much money. Not much at all. My mom was a single mom and worked several jobs while putting herself through school. She is probably the hardest worker I know... She was constantly trying to make sure that my brother and I weren't fully aware of the circumstances.
I can specifically remember one time sitting outside of a movie theater with my mom and my brother because my mom said she would take us to see a movie. While we were there, she pulled out her checkbook and was making sure that we had enough money to go see the movie. We went home that night without the pleasure of a movie from the theater.
This is not some moment of a spoiled kid not getting what they wanted by not being able to see a movie. I can very vividly remember an extreme heaviness over my chest in my heart. I hated to see my mom struggle. I knew she wanted to take us to the movie and felt horrible that we couldn't go.
To this very day, that is the one thing that will cause me to get extremely emotional. My mom did everything in her power to make sure that we didn't know how tight things really were. We knew. I can't talk about my childhood in regards to my mom without getting very heavy hearted about the whole situation. It's as if it just all happened yesterday. It's still so fresh in my heart.
When I was eleven, my mom took me to a local VFW with her. She used to waitress on Friday nights as a side income. She took me with her one night because they needed a bus girl. I've worked ever since. From that time on, I paid for everything that I wanted. I'm so glad that it's worked out this way. It's helped me to understand work ethic and the difference between needs and wants.
There were things that were taken care of for me... When I started to drive, my mom was generous enough to give me an 80 something Cougar. It was perfect for what I needed. When I was sure I was supposed to go to Master's Commission, God opened the doors for a new car and my tuition to be paid. To this day, I'm not sure of how it all came together.
For the last five years, I've worked at a bank. Within two years, I was promoted three times and I became an Assistant Manager making really good money. It included great bonuses and really good insurance, tuition reimbursement for school as well as great opportunity for growth. I was moving up quickly and was loving every minute of it... or so I thought.
What I loved, really, was the ability to provide for our family. Ryan was able to work somewhat part time and do an internship at Lakeview church. We have never struggled financially and that's just the way I always planned it. We are very budget conscience, but have always been able to do exactly what we've wanted - we would just plan for it and make it happen. ... exactly the way I had always planned it.
Well here we are. We are in an incredible church where God's hand is so evident there is no question that He is moving... We both felt very strongly at the end of July, 2010 that we were being "asked" by God to step down from our positions at our jobs so that Ryan could work full time at our church. The first thing that I did was remind God of our bills and what I heard Him speak so clearly were the words "Trust me". It was as plain as day. Really. There was no doubt in my mind that this was the next step.
What we are able to make at the church and my job at Starbucks is enough. You know. Enough. Not too much and not too little. Enough. I am struggling with that. I've always been used to having more than enough, and it was usually at the expense of family time and the call that God had on our lives.
Since I was eleven years old, I have been able to basically do whatever I've wanted because my mom taught me how to work hard. Now I'm learning a lesson of contentment and obedience. This is what God has asked us to do for a season.
I'm writing this out right now because I'm convinced that if I don't, I will have a panic attack. Over beef stew.
I hate that we can't have whatever we want right now. I hate that we're so confined. I hate that I feel like this is going to ruin Adeline and make her feel the one thing I swore my children would never feel - poor.
Please know, that I know who my God is. Really. Oh my word --- He has provided time and time and time and time again. I literally would not know how to speak of all of the times that He has taken care of things in my life.
But really. Beef Stew? I am human and the area of provision and finance is the one area that I feel like I can absolutely not hand over to God. I have always felt fine about the whole situation because I have always known how to work hard.
I am humbled and even embarrassed that I am feeling these things. Has His past goodness not shown me enough about His character? Perhaps He's trying to teach me that it's never been my job to be the provider... that's just what happened.
It makes me angry and frustrated that my dad did nothing to help the situation when we were kids. Surely I don't use this as a reflection that God would bail on me... do I?
We are fine. Really. We're going to get through this and realize we could never be where we are if we wouldn't have gone through this. Mostly, me. Ryan has no problem trusting God in this area. Maybe it's because of who his dad is... or maybe because I pay the bills... or maybe it's because He understands the principles of God.
I'm going to work through my humanity. I am going to learn to depend (DEPEND - I just realized that's what I DO NOT know how to do. I have no concept of dependency...) on God and on Ryan. They will not fail me. They won't leave me to fend on my own. They're better than that.
I'm allowing myself to be this vulnerable because I'm convinced no one really reads this... and I'm ok with that.
learning to trust (and depend) on God,
- SV
I grew up in a world knowing that we didn't have much money. Not much at all. My mom was a single mom and worked several jobs while putting herself through school. She is probably the hardest worker I know... She was constantly trying to make sure that my brother and I weren't fully aware of the circumstances.
I can specifically remember one time sitting outside of a movie theater with my mom and my brother because my mom said she would take us to see a movie. While we were there, she pulled out her checkbook and was making sure that we had enough money to go see the movie. We went home that night without the pleasure of a movie from the theater.
This is not some moment of a spoiled kid not getting what they wanted by not being able to see a movie. I can very vividly remember an extreme heaviness over my chest in my heart. I hated to see my mom struggle. I knew she wanted to take us to the movie and felt horrible that we couldn't go.
To this very day, that is the one thing that will cause me to get extremely emotional. My mom did everything in her power to make sure that we didn't know how tight things really were. We knew. I can't talk about my childhood in regards to my mom without getting very heavy hearted about the whole situation. It's as if it just all happened yesterday. It's still so fresh in my heart.
When I was eleven, my mom took me to a local VFW with her. She used to waitress on Friday nights as a side income. She took me with her one night because they needed a bus girl. I've worked ever since. From that time on, I paid for everything that I wanted. I'm so glad that it's worked out this way. It's helped me to understand work ethic and the difference between needs and wants.
There were things that were taken care of for me... When I started to drive, my mom was generous enough to give me an 80 something Cougar. It was perfect for what I needed. When I was sure I was supposed to go to Master's Commission, God opened the doors for a new car and my tuition to be paid. To this day, I'm not sure of how it all came together.
For the last five years, I've worked at a bank. Within two years, I was promoted three times and I became an Assistant Manager making really good money. It included great bonuses and really good insurance, tuition reimbursement for school as well as great opportunity for growth. I was moving up quickly and was loving every minute of it... or so I thought.
What I loved, really, was the ability to provide for our family. Ryan was able to work somewhat part time and do an internship at Lakeview church. We have never struggled financially and that's just the way I always planned it. We are very budget conscience, but have always been able to do exactly what we've wanted - we would just plan for it and make it happen. ... exactly the way I had always planned it.
Well here we are. We are in an incredible church where God's hand is so evident there is no question that He is moving... We both felt very strongly at the end of July, 2010 that we were being "asked" by God to step down from our positions at our jobs so that Ryan could work full time at our church. The first thing that I did was remind God of our bills and what I heard Him speak so clearly were the words "Trust me". It was as plain as day. Really. There was no doubt in my mind that this was the next step.
What we are able to make at the church and my job at Starbucks is enough. You know. Enough. Not too much and not too little. Enough. I am struggling with that. I've always been used to having more than enough, and it was usually at the expense of family time and the call that God had on our lives.
Since I was eleven years old, I have been able to basically do whatever I've wanted because my mom taught me how to work hard. Now I'm learning a lesson of contentment and obedience. This is what God has asked us to do for a season.
I'm writing this out right now because I'm convinced that if I don't, I will have a panic attack. Over beef stew.
I hate that we can't have whatever we want right now. I hate that we're so confined. I hate that I feel like this is going to ruin Adeline and make her feel the one thing I swore my children would never feel - poor.
Please know, that I know who my God is. Really. Oh my word --- He has provided time and time and time and time again. I literally would not know how to speak of all of the times that He has taken care of things in my life.
But really. Beef Stew? I am human and the area of provision and finance is the one area that I feel like I can absolutely not hand over to God. I have always felt fine about the whole situation because I have always known how to work hard.
I am humbled and even embarrassed that I am feeling these things. Has His past goodness not shown me enough about His character? Perhaps He's trying to teach me that it's never been my job to be the provider... that's just what happened.
It makes me angry and frustrated that my dad did nothing to help the situation when we were kids. Surely I don't use this as a reflection that God would bail on me... do I?
We are fine. Really. We're going to get through this and realize we could never be where we are if we wouldn't have gone through this. Mostly, me. Ryan has no problem trusting God in this area. Maybe it's because of who his dad is... or maybe because I pay the bills... or maybe it's because He understands the principles of God.
I'm going to work through my humanity. I am going to learn to depend (DEPEND - I just realized that's what I DO NOT know how to do. I have no concept of dependency...) on God and on Ryan. They will not fail me. They won't leave me to fend on my own. They're better than that.
I'm allowing myself to be this vulnerable because I'm convinced no one really reads this... and I'm ok with that.
learning to trust (and depend) on God,
- SV
Monday, September 6, 2010
The Journey...
I turned 26 on September 1st. It was a good day for me - full of facebook birthday wishes and happy birthday songs being left on voicemail.
The best part of the day for me was probably when I decided to take a journey. I decided that I wanted to embark on a journey of reading the bible chronologically in one year. I don't know that I've ever read the entire bible. I know there's so much that I have yet to discover.
I am going to try to blog about it as much as possible. Partly because I want to remember the things that stand out to me and partly because I want to be held accountable.
I have invited someone to take the journey with me so that I have someone to answer to. I really want to do this.
I will write a summary of what I read soon.
Thanks for taking this journey with me.
The best part of the day for me was probably when I decided to take a journey. I decided that I wanted to embark on a journey of reading the bible chronologically in one year. I don't know that I've ever read the entire bible. I know there's so much that I have yet to discover.
I am going to try to blog about it as much as possible. Partly because I want to remember the things that stand out to me and partly because I want to be held accountable.
I have invited someone to take the journey with me so that I have someone to answer to. I really want to do this.
I will write a summary of what I read soon.
Thanks for taking this journey with me.
New Season
We've entered a new season of our life and I must admit... it's probably my favorite so far.
Adeline started pre-school a couple of weeks ago and absolutely loves it. We pray for her teachers and all of her friends every night before bed. She's learning a lot and it's helping her get into a routine. Rhonda McConnaha runs the school with her good friend and long time business partner Kathy Urban. Miss Rhonda and Miss Kathy are amazing teachers!! Adeline has a new best friend at school - her name is Lilly. Adeline shows signs that she holds the gift of "helps" and shows a lot of empathy towards the other kids. She also shows that she is a little bossy and likes things done a certain way. (We knew both of these things before pre-school, but it's really fun to watch them develop even more.)
The other day when I took her, we started to walk in the door for the morning and SHE put her hand on the door (before I could get it open) and said "WAIT! WE DIDN'T PRAY!" I only knew what she was talking about because a few days earlier, Ryan and I were dropping her off together. Right after he got her out of the car, he hugged her and prayed over her and her day. It was amazing to me that she already took this very seriously.
She has memorized Hebrews 11:1 and Hebrews 4:12. It is amazing (and quite adorable) to hear a three year old quote scripture.
I officially started my new job at Starbucks today. Ryan's official last day is next week sometime. We are believing more and more every day that this was the right move for our family and are getting more and more excited to see what unfolds. We believe there are going to be opportunities for God to receive major amounts of glory for the things that He is doing and the things that He is going to do.
As far as the family as a whole, it feels as though we are each really starting to take our places. We are all really starting to understand the concept of being a family who is on the same team. Ryan and I laugh more now than we ever have and are more in love than we have ever been. Adeline is a blast to be around. She is vibrant and full of life. She has SO much personality - it is absolutely unreal. She really is three going on thirteen.
I am more excited than I could begin to express about the season that our family is in. We love where we are in life, we love our church, we adore our friends and the people who have been placed to walk this life with us.
I can honestly say that I never knew family life could be this liberating. We are discovering something new about each other every single day. We are in this new season and more excited than ever to see what each minute brings...
With love,
Team Vinson
Adeline started pre-school a couple of weeks ago and absolutely loves it. We pray for her teachers and all of her friends every night before bed. She's learning a lot and it's helping her get into a routine. Rhonda McConnaha runs the school with her good friend and long time business partner Kathy Urban. Miss Rhonda and Miss Kathy are amazing teachers!! Adeline has a new best friend at school - her name is Lilly. Adeline shows signs that she holds the gift of "helps" and shows a lot of empathy towards the other kids. She also shows that she is a little bossy and likes things done a certain way. (We knew both of these things before pre-school, but it's really fun to watch them develop even more.)
The other day when I took her, we started to walk in the door for the morning and SHE put her hand on the door (before I could get it open) and said "WAIT! WE DIDN'T PRAY!" I only knew what she was talking about because a few days earlier, Ryan and I were dropping her off together. Right after he got her out of the car, he hugged her and prayed over her and her day. It was amazing to me that she already took this very seriously.
She has memorized Hebrews 11:1 and Hebrews 4:12. It is amazing (and quite adorable) to hear a three year old quote scripture.
I officially started my new job at Starbucks today. Ryan's official last day is next week sometime. We are believing more and more every day that this was the right move for our family and are getting more and more excited to see what unfolds. We believe there are going to be opportunities for God to receive major amounts of glory for the things that He is doing and the things that He is going to do.
As far as the family as a whole, it feels as though we are each really starting to take our places. We are all really starting to understand the concept of being a family who is on the same team. Ryan and I laugh more now than we ever have and are more in love than we have ever been. Adeline is a blast to be around. She is vibrant and full of life. She has SO much personality - it is absolutely unreal. She really is three going on thirteen.
I am more excited than I could begin to express about the season that our family is in. We love where we are in life, we love our church, we adore our friends and the people who have been placed to walk this life with us.
I can honestly say that I never knew family life could be this liberating. We are discovering something new about each other every single day. We are in this new season and more excited than ever to see what each minute brings...
With love,
Team Vinson
Thursday, August 12, 2010
i only know how to fish.
... ... ... ... ...
can't come up with the words to start this blog.
... ... ... ... ...
I feel like life has been put back in me.
I'm dreaming again.
I'm getting so excited about what's happening around me.
I can envision the future. ... and I love what I see.
I started working at National City in April, 2005. I was 20 years old and getting ready to marry Ryan Vinson. Everything about the job came at the most perfect time... mostly the insurance.
I quickly moved up at the bank and quickly bought into the business world lie.
For the last year, I have been part time and have learned to absolutely love taking care of my family.
On July 31, 2010 God rocked my world....
This is what I learned.
Ryan and I believe (strongly) that the plan "A" for our life is youth ministry in Boone County. We know that there is a need for a place where teenagers can come and experience Jesus in a real and practical way. They need a place where they can come and be loved on, no matter what baggage they bring through the door.
With both of us working "part time" jobs, there was no way that we could give all of our time to the ministry we are both so passionate about.
I believe that I heard God clearly communicate to me and that He asked (not told) me to quit my job. When I questioned, I heard "trust me".
Ryan came to me the next day and told me that he needed to quit his job.
Here we are, both believing we are to quit our jobs. this is craziness. All I have known is working at the bank. I mastered it. It's not all that challenging for me and is quite honestly a social experience that I get paid for.
Ryan has built so many good connections in the community through Starbucks and since we moved to Lebanon, that's all that he's known.
And God has asked us to walk away from what we've known to follow Him??
hmmmm... sounds familiar.
we agreed.
I will be taking Ryan's spot at Starbucks and he will be able to solely focus on the revolution. When we were talking and working out the details, I thought maybe I misunderstood God. He asked me to quit my job. Why am I going to start working somewhere else? Through (lots of) prayer and quiet time, I believe that God has shared His heart with me.
The bank has always been our main source of income, our fall back plan... our plan B.
God is taking me on a journey to understand that I can never fully give my life to plan A until I sever ties to plan B.
I don't know what the future holds, but based on history, I'd say God is pretty faithful to His word.
I'm excited to see how He will come through in all areas of our life and can't wait to brag on Him!!
severing ties,
Sunshine
this is the word that God has given to me right now:
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Philippians 4:11-12
much love, friends.
can't come up with the words to start this blog.
... ... ... ... ...
I feel like life has been put back in me.
I'm dreaming again.
I'm getting so excited about what's happening around me.
I can envision the future. ... and I love what I see.
I started working at National City in April, 2005. I was 20 years old and getting ready to marry Ryan Vinson. Everything about the job came at the most perfect time... mostly the insurance.
I quickly moved up at the bank and quickly bought into the business world lie.
For the last year, I have been part time and have learned to absolutely love taking care of my family.
On July 31, 2010 God rocked my world....
This is what I learned.
Ryan and I believe (strongly) that the plan "A" for our life is youth ministry in Boone County. We know that there is a need for a place where teenagers can come and experience Jesus in a real and practical way. They need a place where they can come and be loved on, no matter what baggage they bring through the door.
With both of us working "part time" jobs, there was no way that we could give all of our time to the ministry we are both so passionate about.
I believe that I heard God clearly communicate to me and that He asked (not told) me to quit my job. When I questioned, I heard "trust me".
Ryan came to me the next day and told me that he needed to quit his job.
Here we are, both believing we are to quit our jobs. this is craziness. All I have known is working at the bank. I mastered it. It's not all that challenging for me and is quite honestly a social experience that I get paid for.
Ryan has built so many good connections in the community through Starbucks and since we moved to Lebanon, that's all that he's known.
And God has asked us to walk away from what we've known to follow Him??
hmmmm... sounds familiar.
we agreed.
I will be taking Ryan's spot at Starbucks and he will be able to solely focus on the revolution. When we were talking and working out the details, I thought maybe I misunderstood God. He asked me to quit my job. Why am I going to start working somewhere else? Through (lots of) prayer and quiet time, I believe that God has shared His heart with me.
The bank has always been our main source of income, our fall back plan... our plan B.
God is taking me on a journey to understand that I can never fully give my life to plan A until I sever ties to plan B.
I don't know what the future holds, but based on history, I'd say God is pretty faithful to His word.
I'm excited to see how He will come through in all areas of our life and can't wait to brag on Him!!
severing ties,
Sunshine
this is the word that God has given to me right now:
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Philippians 4:11-12
much love, friends.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
\ËŒin-si-ˈkyu̇r\
Continuing on my journey of reflection, I have recently discovered something that has been rearing it's ugly head in my life.
Insecurity.
According to Webster's Dictionary, Insecure means the following:
1 : not confident or sure : uncertain
2 : not adequately guarded or sustained : unsafe
3 : not firmly fastened or fixed : shaky
4 : not highly stable or well-adjusted
5 : deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety
Growing up, I had many reasons to be insecure. I didn't feel comfortable with who I was and I didn't know my Savior well enough to hear what He had to say about me.
When I was about 14, God made Himself very real to me. I discovered Him and what He had to say about me, His beautiful creation. I was hand crafted and He took His time with me. I was well planned out, even if I wasn't "in the plan". He thinks thoughts of me that would out number the grains of sand on the shore or the stars in the sky. He had created me with purpose and vision and a heart of innocence. He formed me in my mother's womb and not even the harshness of a man's hand could harm me there. He revealed Himself to me. He was my God. He was my creator and I was His creation. It was a beautiful relationship. What did I have to be insecure about? I knew my God and He knew me.
I can remember well the days of my teenage years being secure enough in who my God was that I didn't need to be "secure in who I was" like the rest of my friends - even the ones who grew up knowing God. It was like God and I had this special and unique relationship. He meant what He said about being a father to the fatherless and that was good for me. We had a special bond. He was my daddy.
Somewhere along the way, I have walked away from that innocence. I have traded it for the approval of others and for the dreams that I have for myself. I have replaced the desires of His heart for me with the desires of the world's heart for me. I have desperately sought after being good enough for the next pay raise, well spoken word, or any other sort of approval instead of "desperately seeking, frantically believing that the sight of HIS face" would be all that I need.
I often don't feel like I fit in. I usually feel different from the people around me. This is just how it's been for as long as I can remember. I was always ok with it. I wonder, often, what happened? I still feel like I don't fit in, but suddenly I'm trying everything I know to measure up. I can't do it anymore ... and I'm ok with that.
I'm in the process of going through the refining fire. It's messy. There are sparks flying. People are watching, possibly judging ... and I'm ok with that. I am going to put to rest these insecurities and cling to the One who created me. I am going to remember that He has made me for a purpose and a plan. I am going to remind myself that He will give me the desires of my heart. I am going to understand that He is shaping me. I will insist on drawing near to Him because I can no longer afford to stay far away. I can no longer depend on the world, or anyone in it, to remind me of these things ... It's me and Jesus.
In closing, I read this today while reading the word and I find it very fitting:
FREEDOM FROM HUMAN REGULATIONS THROUGH LIFE WITH CHRIST:
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ." Colossians 2:6-8
I will fight to have the innocence with my father again. I will fight to gain His heart.
I will not cave to my human insecurities and I will remember that it's only through Jesus that I am going to make it.
Insecurity.
According to Webster's Dictionary, Insecure means the following:
1 : not confident or sure : uncertain
2 : not adequately guarded or sustained : unsafe
3 : not firmly fastened or fixed : shaky
4 : not highly stable or well-adjusted
5 : deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety
Growing up, I had many reasons to be insecure. I didn't feel comfortable with who I was and I didn't know my Savior well enough to hear what He had to say about me.
When I was about 14, God made Himself very real to me. I discovered Him and what He had to say about me, His beautiful creation. I was hand crafted and He took His time with me. I was well planned out, even if I wasn't "in the plan". He thinks thoughts of me that would out number the grains of sand on the shore or the stars in the sky. He had created me with purpose and vision and a heart of innocence. He formed me in my mother's womb and not even the harshness of a man's hand could harm me there. He revealed Himself to me. He was my God. He was my creator and I was His creation. It was a beautiful relationship. What did I have to be insecure about? I knew my God and He knew me.
I can remember well the days of my teenage years being secure enough in who my God was that I didn't need to be "secure in who I was" like the rest of my friends - even the ones who grew up knowing God. It was like God and I had this special and unique relationship. He meant what He said about being a father to the fatherless and that was good for me. We had a special bond. He was my daddy.
Somewhere along the way, I have walked away from that innocence. I have traded it for the approval of others and for the dreams that I have for myself. I have replaced the desires of His heart for me with the desires of the world's heart for me. I have desperately sought after being good enough for the next pay raise, well spoken word, or any other sort of approval instead of "desperately seeking, frantically believing that the sight of HIS face" would be all that I need.
I often don't feel like I fit in. I usually feel different from the people around me. This is just how it's been for as long as I can remember. I was always ok with it. I wonder, often, what happened? I still feel like I don't fit in, but suddenly I'm trying everything I know to measure up. I can't do it anymore ... and I'm ok with that.
I'm in the process of going through the refining fire. It's messy. There are sparks flying. People are watching, possibly judging ... and I'm ok with that. I am going to put to rest these insecurities and cling to the One who created me. I am going to remember that He has made me for a purpose and a plan. I am going to remind myself that He will give me the desires of my heart. I am going to understand that He is shaping me. I will insist on drawing near to Him because I can no longer afford to stay far away. I can no longer depend on the world, or anyone in it, to remind me of these things ... It's me and Jesus.
In closing, I read this today while reading the word and I find it very fitting:
FREEDOM FROM HUMAN REGULATIONS THROUGH LIFE WITH CHRIST:
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ." Colossians 2:6-8
I will fight to have the innocence with my father again. I will fight to gain His heart.
I will not cave to my human insecurities and I will remember that it's only through Jesus that I am going to make it.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Sunshine, the Pharisee ....
I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life lately. We took an amazing family vacation recently and I was able to relax and recover from the last few years of school life.
While there, I realized a lot about myself. I was remembering dreams I had long forgotten and I was coming up with a plan to rebuild my marriage and my relationship with my daughter. For far too long, these important relationships have been on the back burner and took second (or third) place to my relationship with school. They deserve better.
The other relationship that has been neglected is the one between me and my Jesus. For far too long I have been living off of the crumbs of the past and been drinking of the cup that was full five years ago. The well has run dry.
I have been doing a great job fitting Jesus into my busy life, but have quickly realized that I can no longer live like this. Once the distraction of school was taken away, it became clear that all of the relationships in my life were suffering and under immense pressure. The result could be fatal if I didn't quickly respond.
I have been living the life of a a sanctimonious, self-righteous, or hypocritical person... I have been living the life of a Pharisee.
and now I'm in need of a redemption. It's a good thing that my God redeems.
I'm working on being more like Jesus. I want to love like He loved. I want to listen like He listened. This goes beyond knowing about Him, I desperately want to know His heart. I remain encouraged that He hasn't given up on me.
I have learned a lot over the last few months. I have learned that I am far too judgmental. I jump to conclusions too quickly. I like rituals and my traditions. I have also learned that I want to break free from all of it.
I am reminded of a song by Derek Webb "Wedding Dress" ...
If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for
And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?
[Chorus]
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you
So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
****************************************************
I am walking away from the life of a Pharisee and embracing the life of a disciple.
While there, I realized a lot about myself. I was remembering dreams I had long forgotten and I was coming up with a plan to rebuild my marriage and my relationship with my daughter. For far too long, these important relationships have been on the back burner and took second (or third) place to my relationship with school. They deserve better.
The other relationship that has been neglected is the one between me and my Jesus. For far too long I have been living off of the crumbs of the past and been drinking of the cup that was full five years ago. The well has run dry.
I have been doing a great job fitting Jesus into my busy life, but have quickly realized that I can no longer live like this. Once the distraction of school was taken away, it became clear that all of the relationships in my life were suffering and under immense pressure. The result could be fatal if I didn't quickly respond.
I have been living the life of a a sanctimonious, self-righteous, or hypocritical person... I have been living the life of a Pharisee.
and now I'm in need of a redemption. It's a good thing that my God redeems.
I'm working on being more like Jesus. I want to love like He loved. I want to listen like He listened. This goes beyond knowing about Him, I desperately want to know His heart. I remain encouraged that He hasn't given up on me.
I have learned a lot over the last few months. I have learned that I am far too judgmental. I jump to conclusions too quickly. I like rituals and my traditions. I have also learned that I want to break free from all of it.
I am reminded of a song by Derek Webb "Wedding Dress" ...
If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for
And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?
[Chorus]
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you
So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
****************************************************
I am walking away from the life of a Pharisee and embracing the life of a disciple.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Table For Two
my husband and I are passionate about music. He is much more talented than I am, but I think we are equally as passionate about it.
It's amazing to me how one song can take you back to a moment in your life. I have several songs that lead me to different places.
I suppose the best thing that has ever been created is what's called "A mixed tape". My generation might not know what that is, but it would basically mean to put together a play list on your iPod. The creation that I am talking about, however, is a genuine mixed cassette tape. One that is labeled "Sunshine's Mix" or something along those lines.
There are several songs that I would have on my personal mix to represent my life, but there is one specific song that has been there for at least 7 years.
Caedmon's Call is one of the most creative, down home Christian bands that I have ever heard. I'm usually not a huge fan of "Christian" music, but Caedmon's Call steals a place in my heart. They have a song called "Table for Two" on their album entitled 40 Acres. (Side note: it is well worth the 9.99 you will pay to download the entire album on iTunes)
There is a line in the song that is constantly resounding in my heart and I feel like it is getting stronger.
The line goes like this:
"Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt
And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means"
Wow. That's some powerful stuff. He KNOWS the plans that He has for me and He can't plan the end and not plan the means. Wow. He really has my life in His hand. He really wants me to make my own choices, but wants me to consult Him when I am deciding which way to go.
Just like any good father, He wants what's best for me.
*break*
In an attempt to be transparent, I will say this. There have been moments over the last few years, months, weeks, and even days when I wonder why we are in Lebanon, IN. We have grown to absolutely love this place and the people who are here. We have a genuine passion to see the people here come to know Jesus in a very real way and we are honored that we get to be part of the process.
We know that there is so much in store for our lives and we believe we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
Even with all that is going on, it is so tempting to think "what's next?" If it's this good now, how can it get better? We never want to look at this as our training ground, but as our actual battle. We want to give everything we have to the people here and right now. However, because we have seen how God works, we know that there is so much more to come.
Do you ever get the feeling that something great is going on around you? It's almost like an anxious feeling, but it's really like the floodgate is about to open. It's almost like you're on the verge of something really great, but you just have no idea what it is. That's what we've been feeling.
We (I) are (am) learning the difference between contentment and complacency. We are begging God to help us be content and in the same breath begging Him to never let us grow complacent.
Thanks to Caedmon's Call, I am reminded that as long as we are walking in obedience, then every thing is happening right on schedule. I am also reminded that He really cannot plan the end and not have a plan for all of the things that come in between.
I am learning that I am "CALLED" to live out my life on a day to day basis in love and truth. I am learning what it means to have PURE RELIGION: to love the poor and the widows. I am learning that it is absolutely better to speak up and out against injustice than to choose to take a seat on the side lines.
Through the thousands of mistakes I make on a daily basis, I am realizing that I am responsible to walk in love and obedience, taking risks, and having a profile of one who is obesessed.
Excuse me while I go clean the coffee stain from my shirt,
Sunshine
It's amazing to me how one song can take you back to a moment in your life. I have several songs that lead me to different places.
I suppose the best thing that has ever been created is what's called "A mixed tape". My generation might not know what that is, but it would basically mean to put together a play list on your iPod. The creation that I am talking about, however, is a genuine mixed cassette tape. One that is labeled "Sunshine's Mix" or something along those lines.
There are several songs that I would have on my personal mix to represent my life, but there is one specific song that has been there for at least 7 years.
Caedmon's Call is one of the most creative, down home Christian bands that I have ever heard. I'm usually not a huge fan of "Christian" music, but Caedmon's Call steals a place in my heart. They have a song called "Table for Two" on their album entitled 40 Acres. (Side note: it is well worth the 9.99 you will pay to download the entire album on iTunes)
There is a line in the song that is constantly resounding in my heart and I feel like it is getting stronger.
The line goes like this:
"Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt
And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means"
Wow. That's some powerful stuff. He KNOWS the plans that He has for me and He can't plan the end and not plan the means. Wow. He really has my life in His hand. He really wants me to make my own choices, but wants me to consult Him when I am deciding which way to go.
Just like any good father, He wants what's best for me.
*break*
In an attempt to be transparent, I will say this. There have been moments over the last few years, months, weeks, and even days when I wonder why we are in Lebanon, IN. We have grown to absolutely love this place and the people who are here. We have a genuine passion to see the people here come to know Jesus in a very real way and we are honored that we get to be part of the process.
We know that there is so much in store for our lives and we believe we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
Even with all that is going on, it is so tempting to think "what's next?" If it's this good now, how can it get better? We never want to look at this as our training ground, but as our actual battle. We want to give everything we have to the people here and right now. However, because we have seen how God works, we know that there is so much more to come.
Do you ever get the feeling that something great is going on around you? It's almost like an anxious feeling, but it's really like the floodgate is about to open. It's almost like you're on the verge of something really great, but you just have no idea what it is. That's what we've been feeling.
We (I) are (am) learning the difference between contentment and complacency. We are begging God to help us be content and in the same breath begging Him to never let us grow complacent.
Thanks to Caedmon's Call, I am reminded that as long as we are walking in obedience, then every thing is happening right on schedule. I am also reminded that He really cannot plan the end and not have a plan for all of the things that come in between.
I am learning that I am "CALLED" to live out my life on a day to day basis in love and truth. I am learning what it means to have PURE RELIGION: to love the poor and the widows. I am learning that it is absolutely better to speak up and out against injustice than to choose to take a seat on the side lines.
Through the thousands of mistakes I make on a daily basis, I am realizing that I am responsible to walk in love and obedience, taking risks, and having a profile of one who is obesessed.
Excuse me while I go clean the coffee stain from my shirt,
Sunshine
Saturday, April 17, 2010
...once school is done...
Any person who knows me knows that I think I have a touch of ADD. I actually tend to think that it runs in my family. I have scattered thoughts constantly and sometimes have trouble connecting the dots. This makes for interesting conversations typically in my life.
I have so many random thoughts concerning the end of school. I think - no, I am CONVINCED - that my life is going to be a glorious Utopia when I complete my final class on May 18, 2010.
Perhaps then I can regain control of my entire life once school is done.
I can dedicate my time to the youth ministry once school is done.
I can have more time to work out once school is done.
I can read the books that I have wanted to read once school is done.
- Boundaries in Marriage
- A Biography on Martin Luther
I can spend more quality time with my husband once school is done.
I can play with my daughter and take her on lots of picnics once school is done.
I can take a photography class once school is done.
I can engage in relationships once school is done.
I can learn to love running once school is done.
I can read Adeline books and teach her about life once school is done.
I can give more time to the church doing the things I love once school is done.
I can develop the admin side of the Revolution once school is done.
I can show my husband how much I adore him once school is done.
I can encourage the people around me once school is done.
I can volunteer in the community doing things I love once school is done.
I can go places randomly with friends once school is done.
I can love my family like I'm meant to love them once school is done.
I can call my family more once school is done.
I can drink starbucks and have good conversation at starbucks once school is done.
I can write my book once school is done.
I can send random cards to people who need and deserve them once school is done.
I can learn to cook fun meals (including desserts) once school is done.
I can be a better friend to the people around me once school is done.
My friend recently pointed out to me that she didn't think my life was going to change as much as I thought it was going to once school is done. I am convinced that it will. I figure I will have eight extra hours a week that I'm not sitting in the class room plus an additional five hours a week that I'm not doing homework or thinking about class or planning meals around class or finding a babysitter for while I'm in class or ... or ... or ... (fill in the blank).
I will most likely go for my Master's in the next two to three years, depending on what life throws at me. For now, I will focus on finishing my two classes that I start this week.
We are taking our annual family vacation to Florida this year the week after school is complete. Something tells me that I am going to have more fun (and more of a relaxing time) on this vacation than on any other vacation that I have ever taken. I will ENJOY my husband and my daughter and our time together to regroup.
I realized the other day that the first time I ever felt my daughter kick when I was pregnant was when I was sitting in class on a Wednesday night. My daughter doesn't know what it is to not have a mom in school. I am glad that hopefully this is teaching her the value of education, but of course am nervous that she feels neglected.
Well. I must go. You guessed it. I have a 30 page paper due in one class and a 10 page due in the other. I have to start them so that I don't get even more overwhelmed than I already am.
I can be stress free ... once school is done.
I have so many random thoughts concerning the end of school. I think - no, I am CONVINCED - that my life is going to be a glorious Utopia when I complete my final class on May 18, 2010.
Perhaps then I can regain control of my entire life once school is done.
I can dedicate my time to the youth ministry once school is done.
I can have more time to work out once school is done.
I can read the books that I have wanted to read once school is done.
- Boundaries in Marriage
- A Biography on Martin Luther
I can spend more quality time with my husband once school is done.
I can play with my daughter and take her on lots of picnics once school is done.
I can take a photography class once school is done.
I can engage in relationships once school is done.
I can learn to love running once school is done.
I can read Adeline books and teach her about life once school is done.
I can give more time to the church doing the things I love once school is done.
I can develop the admin side of the Revolution once school is done.
I can show my husband how much I adore him once school is done.
I can encourage the people around me once school is done.
I can volunteer in the community doing things I love once school is done.
I can go places randomly with friends once school is done.
I can love my family like I'm meant to love them once school is done.
I can call my family more once school is done.
I can drink starbucks and have good conversation at starbucks once school is done.
I can write my book once school is done.
I can send random cards to people who need and deserve them once school is done.
I can learn to cook fun meals (including desserts) once school is done.
I can be a better friend to the people around me once school is done.
My friend recently pointed out to me that she didn't think my life was going to change as much as I thought it was going to once school is done. I am convinced that it will. I figure I will have eight extra hours a week that I'm not sitting in the class room plus an additional five hours a week that I'm not doing homework or thinking about class or planning meals around class or finding a babysitter for while I'm in class or ... or ... or ... (fill in the blank).
I will most likely go for my Master's in the next two to three years, depending on what life throws at me. For now, I will focus on finishing my two classes that I start this week.
We are taking our annual family vacation to Florida this year the week after school is complete. Something tells me that I am going to have more fun (and more of a relaxing time) on this vacation than on any other vacation that I have ever taken. I will ENJOY my husband and my daughter and our time together to regroup.
I realized the other day that the first time I ever felt my daughter kick when I was pregnant was when I was sitting in class on a Wednesday night. My daughter doesn't know what it is to not have a mom in school. I am glad that hopefully this is teaching her the value of education, but of course am nervous that she feels neglected.
Well. I must go. You guessed it. I have a 30 page paper due in one class and a 10 page due in the other. I have to start them so that I don't get even more overwhelmed than I already am.
I can be stress free ... once school is done.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Eat to Live - Day One
I feel like there is a major chapter in my life that is coming to a close soon. School. Most people dread the thought of going to school... I do not. I have this sick obsession with school. I love the thought of learning by lecture, doing homework, getting grades, etc.
In exactly SEVEN weeks (forty nine days), I will officially be a graduate of Indiana Wesleyan University. I will be boarding a plane on a family vacation in exactly seven weeks to be able to celebrate the achievement.
In order to have an enjoyable time, I have made a commitment to do my best to lose some weight before we go.
My husband (who is incredible) has agreed with me to do a plant based diet with me for six solid weeks.
Let me tell you what I had for breakfast. It was amazing. A shake that consisted of: a banana, strawberries, blueberries, soy milk, and a handful of spinach lettuce. I know, right? You wouldn't think that would taste amazing, but I can assure you, it did!
For lunch, I have had a salad with a little dressing, an apple, and an orange. I haven't been hungry all day, but suddenly I feel famished.
I realized, recently, that I have a strong food addiction. That's right, I said it. I have an addiction to food. I eat when I'm FEELING any thing, not necessarily just when I'm feeling hungry.
I'm not hungry, but it is a habit for me to SNACK right about now, so I am resisting the urge and typing out this blog instead!
Anyway, here's to day one of Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Furhman. I know that the payoff will be great. I am trying not to focus on the big picture of "six weeks", but am instead going to take it day by day. The more I think about it, I'm not even at the point that I CAN take it day by day, but instead meal by meal. I can do this. I can get through this day.
I will keep you as up to date as possible... here goes nothing!
In exactly SEVEN weeks (forty nine days), I will officially be a graduate of Indiana Wesleyan University. I will be boarding a plane on a family vacation in exactly seven weeks to be able to celebrate the achievement.
In order to have an enjoyable time, I have made a commitment to do my best to lose some weight before we go.
My husband (who is incredible) has agreed with me to do a plant based diet with me for six solid weeks.
Let me tell you what I had for breakfast. It was amazing. A shake that consisted of: a banana, strawberries, blueberries, soy milk, and a handful of spinach lettuce. I know, right? You wouldn't think that would taste amazing, but I can assure you, it did!
For lunch, I have had a salad with a little dressing, an apple, and an orange. I haven't been hungry all day, but suddenly I feel famished.
I realized, recently, that I have a strong food addiction. That's right, I said it. I have an addiction to food. I eat when I'm FEELING any thing, not necessarily just when I'm feeling hungry.
I'm not hungry, but it is a habit for me to SNACK right about now, so I am resisting the urge and typing out this blog instead!
Anyway, here's to day one of Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Furhman. I know that the payoff will be great. I am trying not to focus on the big picture of "six weeks", but am instead going to take it day by day. The more I think about it, I'm not even at the point that I CAN take it day by day, but instead meal by meal. I can do this. I can get through this day.
I will keep you as up to date as possible... here goes nothing!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
emancipated.
–verb (used with object), -pat⋅ed, -pat⋅ing.
1. to free from restraint, influence, or the like.
2. to free (a slave) from bondage.
Finally. The holiday season is over. I know this might come to a shock to most, but I am not a big fan of "the Christmas season".
Gleaning wisdom from one of my favorite movies: Charlie Brown's Christmas, Lucy is speaking to Charlie Brown and says: "Look, Charlie, let's face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know."
Maybe that's why I'm not a big fan of the Christmas season.
Two days before Christmas, we had an ugly sweater party at the Revolution. We ate a big dinner and had a ton of fun. At the end, Ryan pulled up all of the students to sit on the floor and read them the Christmas story. As he read it, I was quickly reminded that I really do like Christmas.
As the days went on, we went to Ganda's house Christmas eve. There weren't a lot of presents which was nice. It was all about family and eating and hanging out and eating and eating more.
A few days later, we spent the night at Ryan's childhood home. It was a full house! Ryan's brother and wife and son came in from out of town and we all had a big sleepover! Ryan's sister and her husband and three girls were there but were unable to stay the night.
It was the same situation: hang out, eat, laugh, eat, play wii, eat. You get the cycle.
During a conversation with my SIL Jamie and MIL Robin, I decided that I was going to adopt Jamie's thought process for weight. She told me to just act as if I was once 300 pounds, so I would always feel good about where I currently was. Hilarious.
Here I am on January 3rd regretting all of the eating. I feel sick. Still.
Most people don't know this about me, but I have an addiction to my weight. It's more like an obsession. Almost every morning for the past few years, I stand on the scale (you know, like I'm supposed to - right after I pee and right before I get in the shower. naked so I can weigh less. :) )
Today, I have been emancipated from the bondage of my scale. I picked it up while I was tempted to stand on it and I took it outside and threw it away. Just like that. No one could have talked me off the ledge. I will no longer be dictated by a number. There. I said it.
I desire health. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good. Although I have a goal weight in mind, I am now driven by the desire to have more energy, feel good about myself, sleep better, and be alive longer. It's amazing to me how there is a direct correlation between how I physically feel and how I run my life. My relationships all around are better - with God, my husband, my daughter, friends, and family. My attitude is better. The list could go on and on.
So, friends and neighbors. Today is my day. I am choosing health. I know that this won't be an easy journey. I know that I will be tempted along the way. But I know this is best.
I will be using this tool of blogging to post how things are going. I've gone back and forth about posting my "starting weight" but I'm not going to just yet. Why? Because I just threw my scale away and have no idea what it officially is (duh).
Mostly though, because that's not why I am doing this. This is about health.
So today, I celebrate. I am no longer a slave to a box that tells me a magic number.
1. to free from restraint, influence, or the like.
2. to free (a slave) from bondage.
Finally. The holiday season is over. I know this might come to a shock to most, but I am not a big fan of "the Christmas season".
Gleaning wisdom from one of my favorite movies: Charlie Brown's Christmas, Lucy is speaking to Charlie Brown and says: "Look, Charlie, let's face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know."
Maybe that's why I'm not a big fan of the Christmas season.
Two days before Christmas, we had an ugly sweater party at the Revolution. We ate a big dinner and had a ton of fun. At the end, Ryan pulled up all of the students to sit on the floor and read them the Christmas story. As he read it, I was quickly reminded that I really do like Christmas.
As the days went on, we went to Ganda's house Christmas eve. There weren't a lot of presents which was nice. It was all about family and eating and hanging out and eating and eating more.
A few days later, we spent the night at Ryan's childhood home. It was a full house! Ryan's brother and wife and son came in from out of town and we all had a big sleepover! Ryan's sister and her husband and three girls were there but were unable to stay the night.
It was the same situation: hang out, eat, laugh, eat, play wii, eat. You get the cycle.
During a conversation with my SIL Jamie and MIL Robin, I decided that I was going to adopt Jamie's thought process for weight. She told me to just act as if I was once 300 pounds, so I would always feel good about where I currently was. Hilarious.
Here I am on January 3rd regretting all of the eating. I feel sick. Still.
Most people don't know this about me, but I have an addiction to my weight. It's more like an obsession. Almost every morning for the past few years, I stand on the scale (you know, like I'm supposed to - right after I pee and right before I get in the shower. naked so I can weigh less. :) )
Today, I have been emancipated from the bondage of my scale. I picked it up while I was tempted to stand on it and I took it outside and threw it away. Just like that. No one could have talked me off the ledge. I will no longer be dictated by a number. There. I said it.
I desire health. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good. Although I have a goal weight in mind, I am now driven by the desire to have more energy, feel good about myself, sleep better, and be alive longer. It's amazing to me how there is a direct correlation between how I physically feel and how I run my life. My relationships all around are better - with God, my husband, my daughter, friends, and family. My attitude is better. The list could go on and on.
So, friends and neighbors. Today is my day. I am choosing health. I know that this won't be an easy journey. I know that I will be tempted along the way. But I know this is best.
I will be using this tool of blogging to post how things are going. I've gone back and forth about posting my "starting weight" but I'm not going to just yet. Why? Because I just threw my scale away and have no idea what it officially is (duh).
Mostly though, because that's not why I am doing this. This is about health.
So today, I celebrate. I am no longer a slave to a box that tells me a magic number.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Good Morning, Chuck Taylor.
After a few hours of sleep, I woke up this morning with one single thought:
IT'S JEAN DAY!!
In the world of corporate america, jean days come few and far between. Apparently there is a common misconception that people who wear jeans cannot properly handle money. This year, (in place of our bonus) our bank allowed us to wear jeans on this wonderful eve of Christmas!
In an attempt to remain zealous for life at a job that has a tendency to suck the life out of my existance, I decided that not only would it be a jean day, but it would be a converse/chuck taylor kind of day!
(and that seemed to be just the motivation I needed to get myself out of bed)
Disclaimer: I honestly do have a deep respect and appreciation for those who serve and protect.
On the way to work, I decided I don't like when police officers sit on the side of the highway in anticipation of catching the speeders. Not only because I am typically one of the said speeders, but mostly because it makes me feel like they are setting me (and the rest of the morning drivers) up for failure.
I was having some Jesus time in the car on the way to work this morning and was grateful when I double checked my speed at the sight of the "sitting duck" and realized I was actually not breaking the law.
I've become addicted to this one song on this one CD that a friend from work let me borrow. I realized that I am craving God's presence and God's word to be alive inside of me.
Then suddenly, my moment of change was interrupted by a moment of panic.
I got to work and decided that it was a starbucks kind of morning. I ventured across the street and indulged in an iced grande carmel coffee. yum.
In just a few short hours, we will be at Ganda's house. I'm so excited to wake up tomorrow at Ganda's. I leave work in less than two hours (another mini-christmas present from my company). What a joyous occasion.
Here's to you, corporate america. Signing off with my jeans (and chuck taylor's) - I wish you a merry Christmas!
Forever yours,
sunshine vinson
IT'S JEAN DAY!!
In the world of corporate america, jean days come few and far between. Apparently there is a common misconception that people who wear jeans cannot properly handle money. This year, (in place of our bonus) our bank allowed us to wear jeans on this wonderful eve of Christmas!
In an attempt to remain zealous for life at a job that has a tendency to suck the life out of my existance, I decided that not only would it be a jean day, but it would be a converse/chuck taylor kind of day!
(and that seemed to be just the motivation I needed to get myself out of bed)
Disclaimer: I honestly do have a deep respect and appreciation for those who serve and protect.
On the way to work, I decided I don't like when police officers sit on the side of the highway in anticipation of catching the speeders. Not only because I am typically one of the said speeders, but mostly because it makes me feel like they are setting me (and the rest of the morning drivers) up for failure.
I was having some Jesus time in the car on the way to work this morning and was grateful when I double checked my speed at the sight of the "sitting duck" and realized I was actually not breaking the law.
I've become addicted to this one song on this one CD that a friend from work let me borrow. I realized that I am craving God's presence and God's word to be alive inside of me.
Then suddenly, my moment of change was interrupted by a moment of panic.
I got to work and decided that it was a starbucks kind of morning. I ventured across the street and indulged in an iced grande carmel coffee. yum.
In just a few short hours, we will be at Ganda's house. I'm so excited to wake up tomorrow at Ganda's. I leave work in less than two hours (another mini-christmas present from my company). What a joyous occasion.
Here's to you, corporate america. Signing off with my jeans (and chuck taylor's) - I wish you a merry Christmas!
Forever yours,
sunshine vinson
Thursday, December 17, 2009
excuse me, mama
Since becoming a part time stay at home mom in June, there has been a constant internal battle. One on hand, I am loving life and enjoying every second of staying home with Adeline. On the other hand, I feel like I need to be working every second of my life so that I can pay off the school debt that I have "earned".
Monday morning, Ryan let me sleep in while he woke up with Adeline. She came in the room to wake me up and was saying "excuse me, mama." She climbed up on the bed and again said "excuse me, mama." In an effort to encourage her manners, I responded quickly and said "Yes, Adeline." She said "excuse me, mama. May we please talk?" I said "sure, Adeline. What would you like to talk about?" After thinking for a minute, she replied with one single word. She simply said "Jesus".
Every night while putting her to sleep, she asks to be "rockied" and we sing "Jesus loves me". With her bringing up Jesus, I thought that it was a perfect time to teach her that Jesus really does love her. So I asked her. "Adeline, do you know that Jesus loves you?" In classic Adeline style, she did not give me the easy answer of "yes, because the bible tells me so", she replied in the most matter-of-fact way saying "Yes! Because I'm a princess girl!"
I can honestly say that I would not accept any amount of money to trade that most precious memory with my Adeline Grace.
Maybe it goes without saying, but I no longer feel that internal struggle. I rejoice because for this season, I get to stay at home with my daughter and teach her about Jesus, life, and what it really means to be a princess girl.
Monday morning, Ryan let me sleep in while he woke up with Adeline. She came in the room to wake me up and was saying "excuse me, mama." She climbed up on the bed and again said "excuse me, mama." In an effort to encourage her manners, I responded quickly and said "Yes, Adeline." She said "excuse me, mama. May we please talk?" I said "sure, Adeline. What would you like to talk about?" After thinking for a minute, she replied with one single word. She simply said "Jesus".
Every night while putting her to sleep, she asks to be "rockied" and we sing "Jesus loves me". With her bringing up Jesus, I thought that it was a perfect time to teach her that Jesus really does love her. So I asked her. "Adeline, do you know that Jesus loves you?" In classic Adeline style, she did not give me the easy answer of "yes, because the bible tells me so", she replied in the most matter-of-fact way saying "Yes! Because I'm a princess girl!"
I can honestly say that I would not accept any amount of money to trade that most precious memory with my Adeline Grace.
Maybe it goes without saying, but I no longer feel that internal struggle. I rejoice because for this season, I get to stay at home with my daughter and teach her about Jesus, life, and what it really means to be a princess girl.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
second try...
The truth is that I have way too many things going on in my mind to remember them all. My SIL, Jamie, inspires me daily to write so that I can remember all of the things that happen in life.
the thing is... well I feel like I'm not disciplined enough to keep up with this. However, there are several major things going on in my life that I would love to document. Not to mention, I would love a good place to be me. You know, the let your hair down, don't take a shower for a few days, vulnerable me. OK, maybe not the shower part, but the rest applies.
For example. I'm a very "goal oriented" person. Saying that, I'm thinking to myself "who isn't"?
With all that is going on in my mind, I have decided to write some of my goals out. At least to get them down on "paper" so that there is a level of accountability that exists to them.
We'll call these 2010 goals. Some of them are very common "new year" goals. that doesn't bother me. I will rebel and state them anyway.
2010 Goals:
(let me just state that these are personal goals. I will go without stating the obvious of being a better follower of Jesus, better wife and better mom.)
Goal 1.
I am running the Indianapolis mini-marathon for year number dos. With that, I would like to train hard and finish the race in ... 2 1/2 hours. There. I said it out loud. That's a little over an 11 minute mile. That's easy. Right?
Goal 2.
While training for the mini, I would like to become more of an encourager. My husband is running the mini with me (as well as several very close friends) and I want to be able to encourage them through the process. I'm so excited that we're doing this as a huge group this year and I'm even more excited that God is using this as something that will bind us together.
Goal 3.
While training for said mini-marathon, I would like to lose 40 pounds. Not because I want to be skinny (blah blah blah)... but because I want to be HEALTHY. With that journey, I would like to blog about my efforts. Maybe that would mean even posting my start weight. I'm not there yet.
Goal 4.
I will be graduating with my degree in business in may. I would like to figure out something that I would like to be when I grow up. It probably won't be in business.
Goal 5.
In the effort to continue to discover who "I" am, I would like to begin to understand the amazing world of photography. I would love to capture all of the beauty and tragedy that life has to offer. I love to see beauty in ordinary things.
Goal 6.
I would like to ask more questions this year. God has placed me among people who have a wealth of knowledge and insight and I would love to grow from that. When people ask me questions, I would like to get better answering with a question. I know that sometimes this can be incredibly annoying... but I think that it's best.
Goal 7.
I would like to become more transparent. As Jesus works things out in my life, I would like for others to be able to witness it. As not fun as that can be sometime, I would like to be an example of transparency.
Goal 8.
I would like to be a better friend. I have amazing friends. I want to be better for them. With this goal, I would also like to mention that I would like to be nice.
well... that's all of the goals that I can think of for now.
I don't want this blog to be "all about me"... but I felt like it was best to lay some of these things out.
bring on 2010... I cannot wait to see what the journey holds.
the thing is... well I feel like I'm not disciplined enough to keep up with this. However, there are several major things going on in my life that I would love to document. Not to mention, I would love a good place to be me. You know, the let your hair down, don't take a shower for a few days, vulnerable me. OK, maybe not the shower part, but the rest applies.
For example. I'm a very "goal oriented" person. Saying that, I'm thinking to myself "who isn't"?
With all that is going on in my mind, I have decided to write some of my goals out. At least to get them down on "paper" so that there is a level of accountability that exists to them.
We'll call these 2010 goals. Some of them are very common "new year" goals. that doesn't bother me. I will rebel and state them anyway.
2010 Goals:
(let me just state that these are personal goals. I will go without stating the obvious of being a better follower of Jesus, better wife and better mom.)
Goal 1.
I am running the Indianapolis mini-marathon for year number dos. With that, I would like to train hard and finish the race in ... 2 1/2 hours. There. I said it out loud. That's a little over an 11 minute mile. That's easy. Right?
Goal 2.
While training for the mini, I would like to become more of an encourager. My husband is running the mini with me (as well as several very close friends) and I want to be able to encourage them through the process. I'm so excited that we're doing this as a huge group this year and I'm even more excited that God is using this as something that will bind us together.
Goal 3.
While training for said mini-marathon, I would like to lose 40 pounds. Not because I want to be skinny (blah blah blah)... but because I want to be HEALTHY. With that journey, I would like to blog about my efforts. Maybe that would mean even posting my start weight. I'm not there yet.
Goal 4.
I will be graduating with my degree in business in may. I would like to figure out something that I would like to be when I grow up. It probably won't be in business.
Goal 5.
In the effort to continue to discover who "I" am, I would like to begin to understand the amazing world of photography. I would love to capture all of the beauty and tragedy that life has to offer. I love to see beauty in ordinary things.
Goal 6.
I would like to ask more questions this year. God has placed me among people who have a wealth of knowledge and insight and I would love to grow from that. When people ask me questions, I would like to get better answering with a question. I know that sometimes this can be incredibly annoying... but I think that it's best.
Goal 7.
I would like to become more transparent. As Jesus works things out in my life, I would like for others to be able to witness it. As not fun as that can be sometime, I would like to be an example of transparency.
Goal 8.
I would like to be a better friend. I have amazing friends. I want to be better for them. With this goal, I would also like to mention that I would like to be nice.
well... that's all of the goals that I can think of for now.
I don't want this blog to be "all about me"... but I felt like it was best to lay some of these things out.
bring on 2010... I cannot wait to see what the journey holds.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
post number one ... here we go...
I have been inspired. It's true. Thanks to my wonderful SIL, Jamie, I am now a blogger. It's official.
I have so much going on in my life and it's hard to remember it all, so I have decided that I will document the important things (and probably some not so important things) for all of the world to see.
Ryan and I have been married for over four years now and people are constantly asking how things are going, etc. and now I know that my SIL really blogs so that she doesn't have to communicate with the outside world if she doesn't want to. :) haha! Just kidding ... she's too kind to do that...
Me, on the other hand ... well... I'm just not that polite. haha.
Adeline's second birthday is this coming Sunday. I can't believe it. It seems like yesterday that she was born and time is going too fast for my liking. She is absolutely hilarious. She has tons of personality and loves to be around people. One of the first things she says a lot of mornings is "momma, go to church and see all the people".
I don't know what I would do without all of the amazing people around me helping me raise this little girl. I am a firm believer in the whole "village" concept.
The Revolution is the youth ministry that my husband and I are youth pastors of ... amazing. I can honestly say that even though it is usually stressful, we are living our dream.
Anything else...
I have the song "baby, it's cold outside" stuck in my head --- and I have the last four days. It's a nice song - I'm just kind of it over being in my head. It makes me want to watch Elf, though. :)
I'm ready for football season. I almost wore my Colts jersey to church on Sunday in anticipation.
Today I miss my gigi...
Thanks for your patience as I discover what this blog is going to look like.
love,
sunshine
I have so much going on in my life and it's hard to remember it all, so I have decided that I will document the important things (and probably some not so important things) for all of the world to see.
Ryan and I have been married for over four years now and people are constantly asking how things are going, etc. and now I know that my SIL really blogs so that she doesn't have to communicate with the outside world if she doesn't want to. :) haha! Just kidding ... she's too kind to do that...
Me, on the other hand ... well... I'm just not that polite. haha.
Adeline's second birthday is this coming Sunday. I can't believe it. It seems like yesterday that she was born and time is going too fast for my liking. She is absolutely hilarious. She has tons of personality and loves to be around people. One of the first things she says a lot of mornings is "momma, go to church and see all the people".
I don't know what I would do without all of the amazing people around me helping me raise this little girl. I am a firm believer in the whole "village" concept.
The Revolution is the youth ministry that my husband and I are youth pastors of ... amazing. I can honestly say that even though it is usually stressful, we are living our dream.
Anything else...
I have the song "baby, it's cold outside" stuck in my head --- and I have the last four days. It's a nice song - I'm just kind of it over being in my head. It makes me want to watch Elf, though. :)
I'm ready for football season. I almost wore my Colts jersey to church on Sunday in anticipation.
Today I miss my gigi...
Thanks for your patience as I discover what this blog is going to look like.
love,
sunshine
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