Do I really trust Him?

Here's the thing...

I grew up in a world knowing that we didn't have much money. Not much at all. My mom was a single mom and worked several jobs while putting herself through school. She is probably the hardest worker I know... She was constantly trying to make sure that my brother and I weren't fully aware of the circumstances.
I can specifically remember one time sitting outside of a movie theater with my mom and my brother because my mom said she would take us to see a movie. While we were there, she pulled out her checkbook and was making sure that we had enough money to go see the movie. We went home that night without the pleasure of a movie from the theater.
This is not some moment of a spoiled kid not getting what they wanted by not being able to see a movie. I can very vividly remember an extreme heaviness over my chest in my heart. I hated to see my mom struggle. I knew she wanted to take us to the movie and felt horrible that we couldn't go.
To this very day, that is the one thing that will cause me to get extremely emotional. My mom did everything in her power to make sure that we didn't know how tight things really were. We knew. I can't talk about my childhood in regards to my mom without getting very heavy hearted about the whole situation. It's as if it just all happened yesterday. It's still so fresh in my heart.
When I was eleven, my mom took me to a local VFW with her. She used to waitress on Friday nights as a side income. She took me with her one night because they needed a bus girl. I've worked ever since. From that time on, I paid for everything that I wanted. I'm so glad that it's worked out this way. It's helped me to understand work ethic and the difference between needs and wants.
There were things that were taken care of for me... When I started to drive, my mom was generous enough to give me an 80 something Cougar. It was perfect for what I needed. When I was sure I was supposed to go to Master's Commission, God opened the doors for a new car and my tuition to be paid. To this day, I'm not sure of how it all came together.
For the last five years, I've worked at a bank. Within two years, I was promoted three times and I became an Assistant Manager making really good money. It included great bonuses and really good insurance, tuition reimbursement for school as well as great opportunity for growth. I was moving up quickly and was loving every minute of it... or so I thought.

What I loved, really, was the ability to provide for our family. Ryan was able to work somewhat part time and do an internship at Lakeview church. We have never struggled financially and that's just the way I always planned it. We are very budget conscience, but have always been able to do exactly what we've wanted - we would just plan for it and make it happen. ... exactly the way I had always planned it.

Well here we are. We are in an incredible church where God's hand is so evident there is no question that He is moving... We both felt very strongly at the end of July, 2010 that we were being "asked" by God to step down from our positions at our jobs so that Ryan could work full time at our church. The first thing that I did was remind God of our bills and what I heard Him speak so clearly were the words "Trust me". It was as plain as day. Really. There was no doubt in my mind that this was the next step.

What we are able to make at the church and my job at Starbucks is enough. You know. Enough. Not too much and not too little. Enough. I am struggling with that. I've always been used to having more than enough, and it was usually at the expense of family time and the call that God had on our lives.

Since I was eleven years old, I have been able to basically do whatever I've wanted because my mom taught me how to work hard. Now I'm learning a lesson of contentment and obedience. This is what God has asked us to do for a season.

I'm writing this out right now because I'm convinced that if I don't, I will have a panic attack. Over beef stew.

I hate that we can't have whatever we want right now. I hate that we're so confined. I hate that I feel like this is going to ruin Adeline and make her feel the one thing I swore my children would never feel - poor.

Please know, that I know who my God is. Really. Oh my word --- He has provided time and time and time and time again. I literally would not know how to speak of all of the times that He has taken care of things in my life.

But really. Beef Stew? I am human and the area of provision and finance is the one area that I feel like I can absolutely not hand over to God. I have always felt fine about the whole situation because I have always known how to work hard.

I am humbled and even embarrassed that I am feeling these things. Has His past goodness not shown me enough about His character? Perhaps He's trying to teach me that it's never been my job to be the provider... that's just what happened.

It makes me angry and frustrated that my dad did nothing to help the situation when we were kids. Surely I don't use this as a reflection that God would bail on me... do I?

We are fine. Really. We're going to get through this and realize we could never be where we are if we wouldn't have gone through this. Mostly, me. Ryan has no problem trusting God in this area. Maybe it's because of who his dad is... or maybe because I pay the bills... or maybe it's because He understands the principles of God.

I'm going to work through my humanity. I am going to learn to depend (DEPEND - I just realized that's what I DO NOT know how to do. I have no concept of dependency...) on God and on Ryan. They will not fail me. They won't leave me to fend on my own. They're better than that.

I'm allowing myself to be this vulnerable because I'm convinced no one really reads this... and I'm ok with that.

learning to trust (and depend) on God,
- SV