\ˌin-si-ˈkyu̇r\

Continuing on my journey of reflection, I have recently discovered something that has been rearing it's ugly head in my life.

Insecurity.

According to Webster's Dictionary, Insecure means the following:
1 : not confident or sure : uncertain
2 : not adequately guarded or sustained : unsafe
3 : not firmly fastened or fixed : shaky
4 : not highly stable or well-adjusted
5 : deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety

Growing up, I had many reasons to be insecure. I didn't feel comfortable with who I was and I didn't know my Savior well enough to hear what He had to say about me.

When I was about 14, God made Himself very real to me. I discovered Him and what He had to say about me, His beautiful creation. I was hand crafted and He took His time with me. I was well planned out, even if I wasn't "in the plan". He thinks thoughts of me that would out number the grains of sand on the shore or the stars in the sky. He had created me with purpose and vision and a heart of innocence. He formed me in my mother's womb and not even the harshness of a man's hand could harm me there. He revealed Himself to me. He was my God. He was my creator and I was His creation. It was a beautiful relationship. What did I have to be insecure about? I knew my God and He knew me.

I can remember well the days of my teenage years being secure enough in who my God was that I didn't need to be "secure in who I was" like the rest of my friends - even the ones who grew up knowing God. It was like God and I had this special and unique relationship. He meant what He said about being a father to the fatherless and that was good for me. We had a special bond. He was my daddy.

Somewhere along the way, I have walked away from that innocence. I have traded it for the approval of others and for the dreams that I have for myself. I have replaced the desires of His heart for me with the desires of the world's heart for me. I have desperately sought after being good enough for the next pay raise, well spoken word, or any other sort of approval instead of "desperately seeking, frantically believing that the sight of HIS face" would be all that I need.

I often don't feel like I fit in. I usually feel different from the people around me. This is just how it's been for as long as I can remember. I was always ok with it. I wonder, often, what happened? I still feel like I don't fit in, but suddenly I'm trying everything I know to measure up. I can't do it anymore ... and I'm ok with that.

I'm in the process of going through the refining fire. It's messy. There are sparks flying. People are watching, possibly judging ... and I'm ok with that. I am going to put to rest these insecurities and cling to the One who created me. I am going to remember that He has made me for a purpose and a plan. I am going to remind myself that He will give me the desires of my heart. I am going to understand that He is shaping me. I will insist on drawing near to Him because I can no longer afford to stay far away. I can no longer depend on the world, or anyone in it, to remind me of these things ... It's me and Jesus.

In closing, I read this today while reading the word and I find it very fitting:
FREEDOM FROM HUMAN REGULATIONS THROUGH LIFE WITH CHRIST:
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ." Colossians 2:6-8

I will fight to have the innocence with my father again. I will fight to gain His heart.

I will not cave to my human insecurities and I will remember that it's only through Jesus that I am going to make it.